What I say when I find the time to shut up

The Final Post... at least for now

2011-11-01T19:00:00.003-06:00

I love this blog. It has been an invaluable resource for me to sort out my thoughts on varioius issues over the course of my young adult development. But, I need something different. So, just for now I'm putting a period on this very long run on sentance of a blog.

Radical?

2011-08-07T00:04:00.005-05:00

A few months ago I was out with a guy and he jokingly accused me of being a "boring Christian." We were out at a restaurant and I wasn't drinking. We had also just finished talking about my church attendance 3x/week, how many bible classes I took in college and the fact that I don't kiss boys unless it's serious. I quickly tried to defend myself (failing miserably of course), saying something to the effect of "Hey, now! I'm edgy... Remember that time I played a swear word in our Words With Friends game?"

The time we were out before that, said boy and I talked about our friends from college and what they were doing now. I went to a Christian school in Texas and he did his graduate work at a seminary in Georgia. I have good friends who are missionaries in Russia and another who is making plans to move to China and he has friends who are missionaries in Kenya, Uganda and Thailand. I told him how most of my friends had this adventurous missional pattern. My college friends spent their summers traveling the globe to preach the Gospel. They taught English in Japan, they translated the Bible in Papua New Guinea, they worked with orphans in China, they built sustainable irrigation systems in Zambia, and put on summer camps for teens in Germany. While they were out globetrotting, I was always finding a way to come home to New Orleans. His friends have somewhat similar stories. I went on to tell him how completely content I am with living and serving in New Orleans. I also told him that I sometimes felt jealous of my adventurous friends, and that I was worried that I hadn't explored "God's calling" for my life enough because I seem to lack that adventure bug everyone else seems to have gotten. And that's when he said something quite profound. He said "I see what you're saying and Shannon, but isn't the real call to do something radical? Radical discipleship doesn't always mean adventure tourism. I've barely scratched the surface with you, but I'd say you're a pretty radical chick." I of course laughed and retorted "Why? Cause I played a swear in Words With Friends?" He quickly corrected me and said "No silly. Cause you do your best to make time for God and the things that are important to Him." Then he threw pieces of bread at me. Apparently, dates are always good times to throw food at the girl you like. Its unfortunate that the boy turned out to be a creep on date number 3. The first 2 outings were so promising... but I digress.

In 1 Thess 4 is says that our ambition should be to live a quiet life. I don't always appreciate that sentiment. Sometimes I find myself searching for spiritually glamorous tasks. I'm not sure how exactly to describe it, but it seems that Satan is always trying to sell me a lie (and I'm usually buying it...) that satisfaction is just around the corner. If I only had that job, or a boyfriend, or more money, or if the bible study I lead was just a little more successful, or if I just convinced one more person to be baptized, or if I just went to share the Gospel in an exotic place, etc. etc. then I would finally feel fulfilled.

And then I look at the life of Jesus, a man who's example of humility sets the stage for how I should live. I don't need an impressively spiritual facebook status to follow Jesus. Discipleship is sometimes exhilarating, refreshing and new. But it's also often ugly, messy and painful. Sometimes faithful service leads us to mundane obedience. I don't think my globetrotting friends were doing anything wrong by any means. I admire their passion to serve in a unique way, I'm just realizing that in my search for meaning, answering God's call doesn't have to be something big and exciting. Sometimes, doing something radical means finding a way to live a quiet life.

For such a time as this....

2011-07-21T00:17:00.001-05:00

This summer, I had the great privilege to co-direct summer camp at my church again. This year, we focused on the story of Esther. You probably recall the story. In a nutshell, Esther, a poor Jewish girl is chosen to be a queen in a fairytale whirlwind. When one of the king's officials threatens to kill all the Jews, she risks her life to save her people.

At the climax of the story Esther is afraid to do what she knows she must and her cousin Mordecai gives her a word of confidence to inspire her to do the unthinkable.

Mordecai sent this message back to Esther: “Don’t think for a moment that because you’re in the palace you will escape when all other Jews are killed. If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were put in this position for such a time as this?”

Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: “Go and gather together all the Jews of Susa and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. My maids and I will do the same. And then, though it is against the law, I will go in to see the king. If I perish, I perish.” So Mordecai went away and did everything as Esther had ordered him.
Esther 4:13-17

Who knows if perhaps you were put in position for such a time as this? I've spent a lot of time this summer wondering what my life would be like if I took Mordecai's question to heart. There are so many times I have resigned my efforts, feeling powerless to change a situation. So many times when I can't see what I uniquely have because all I see is what I uniquely lack. There are moments when I swear I can almost feel cousin Mordecai tapping on my shoulder ready to give me a pep talk.

Lately, I find myself praying for courage to embrace every teachable moment.What I mean is, there are moments where if I rose to the challenge set before me I would learn something about myself, God, or the world around me, but instead I act like a turtle and hide inside my shell. So I'm working on it. Have the hard conversation. Tell the people you love why you love them. Always apologize if you did something wrong, but don't ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining. Though your voice may be small, don't ever stop singing. Speak up for what's just, even when it means going against what others say and do. Do what you know is right, even when it is the more difficult option.

Maybe you know what I mean. Maybe you don't. Either way, consider this:Perhaps you have come to this place, to this moment, to these people, to this challenge, for just such a time as this. Maybe you have been given this money, this talent, this vision for just such a time as this. Perhaps you have been given these skills and experiences, these privileges and deprivations, so that just at this very moment you could do what no one else could do, you could be what no one else could be. God made you just as you are because he wanted someone just like you. Maybe all this happened and you came to be here for just such a time as this.

TED talks, poverty, and doing what's right

2011-06-05T22:27:00.002-05:00

So.... here's another nerdy confession. I spend an embarrassing amount of time each week watching TED talks. In case you're not as nerdy as I am, TED is a nonprofit dedicated to ideas worth spreading. They started in the 80s with a focus on Technology, Entertainment and Design. Now their scope is incredibly broad and they hold several conferences each year. These conferences are generally based on a theme TEDGlobal, TEDWomen, etc. and consist of today's innovative thinkers sharing their unique ideas. Each speakers talk is recorded and then podcasted on TED's website.

I watch TED talks anytime I have a spare 15 minutes. I often envy the creativity and brilliance of TED presenter. However, what I envy the most is their passion. They genuinely overflow with love and excitement about their field of interest. There are a few TED talks that I find myself watching over and over again. This one from Jessica Jackley is one of them. Jessica is a young woman who has transformed what millions of people around the world think about the poor and has revolutionized the way people give to charity by making micro-finance accessible to the masses through her website kiva.org. Her passion for the poor is infectious. I gaurantee you that the video is worth 17 minutes of your time, and that it will leaving you feeling inspired and empower. The questions is... What will you do?

The single Christian

2011-05-22T18:51:00.000-05:00

Aside from this one random guy I met who was thinking about becoming a Catholic priest, and a certain professor in Abilene who wore all black... I don't think I've ever actually met a single Christian who was not interested in finding a mate. Let me point out, that I am NOT talking about being single as an inevitable state before getting married, but trying to pretend as if your lack of a dating relationship is some sort of spiritual discipline on your part. Being not-yet-married is not the same as making a conscious decision to forsake the possibility of love and marriage in order to pursue the Lord's work wholeheartedly.

More than five years ago, as a bright-eyed, career-focused college student, I decided to pursue singleness for a year. My decision was not well thought-out; on the heels of a breakup... more like a string of ridiculous boys, and after a major natural disaster destroyed my life as I knew it, I decided to drop out of the dating-and-romance race for a while. I mean it really hadn't been going so well anyways, so why not quit while I was behind...

As I came to depend more on prayer, Scripture and meditation to exert control over my life, I not only persevered through my new single life, but found it to be a profound learning experience. I realized how much I had bought into lies about men. The world around me would have me believe that they were juvenile, chauvinistic, or stupid and that to be married to them was to mother them or whip them into some sort of submission, or to forget that I ever had an opinion about anything in order to submit to their male authority. All of this, of course, is complete crap. Some men can be juvenile and chauvinistic. Others can be kind and generous. Some can be manipulative and greedy. Others can be wise and strong. Really, there is no eternal flaw that all men have, nor is there some magic formula for successful marriage. People are who they are, and every couple has to figure out how to make their own healthy partnership. Furthermore, I found that during this time I made some wonderful male friends. I know it sounds a little crazy, but I feel pretty strongly that these friends in many ways taught me what a good guy really looks like up close. So much of the time what I thought was good, wasn't really all that good after all. I also I found I had much more time to devote to my journey with the Lord because I wasn't obsessing over some guy. Now I'll be honest... my peers were often boy crazy and pushing me to think/talk/gossip about guys, but I tried to surround myself with women who didn't define themselves by their relationship status.

Now, not quite six years down the road, I haven't had a serious dating relationship (even though my initial plan was for a year) and I love my life. My journey had been a profound experience of trusting God to provide exactly what I need in His time. I would like to get married and have a family, I think I always have.

So, why am I blogging about singleness?

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord" (I Corinthians 7: 32-35).

In most Christian circles, finding a Christian husband seems to be one of the marks of being a woman of great faith. But Paul explains that following God with reckless abandon requires people to leave behind all earthly attachments that distract them from the Lord's affairs.

This passage cut me right to the heart. I do want to offer my whole life to my God's service. I long for my heart to be aligned with His. In many ways, while I have been single I have focused a great deal of my time and energy on ministry opportunities in ways my married (and even dating) counterparts simply can't. While I still definitely want to be married and have a family, I can see how in my own life I've been able to dedicate my life to God's service, and how that would look much different if I were married.

In the last few years that I have been single, I have been shocked to hear some of the assumptions people make about single Christian women. No, I don't feel like God owes me a husband and I don't feel disappointed that one has not appeared yet. No, my father wasn't absent or abusive or bad to my mother. He is a good Christian man who has been a faithful, loving husband and father for more than 30 years. And no, I am not angry at men, hiding from men, gay or sexually confused.

Yet I do understand why so many folks need to "explain" my choice. Our culture, both the larger culture and our Western, protestant, church culture, has no place for single women. There are no official channels for women who wish to dedicate their lives to the Lord's service. My faith tradition in particular is weak in this area as the only way to advance in formal service to the church as a woman is to become an elder or deacon's wife. Truth be told, I don't believe that most people consciously thinks I am damaged goods. But I do suspect, based on the concerned looks and pitiful glances of church folk and family members, many of my brothers and sisters think I am settling for a lesser version of God's will, a sadder, lonelier life than what God intended for me while in fact, I feel nothing less than blessed.

Although I love my life, I admit that, in fits of girlishness, I have indulged in imagining what my perfect match would be like. I have moments of doubt or frustration, and there are times when the lies of the Evil One creep in and make me feel that I am not good enough. But each day I'm coming to learn that the choice I'm faced with is not really choosing to pursue marriage or pursue singleness. The only choice I have to make is to pursue Jesus. In this life, I choose Jesus and gladly follow His lead wherever we may go. I believe that whatever I give up will be restored to me in ways I cannot possibly fathom. God is my protector and provider. I trust Him (well... I'm trying to at least) and I refuse to let a little thing like my relationship status steal the peace in my heart even for a minute.

I'm just saying... :-)

Poetry and Prose

2011-03-19T16:49:00.006-06:00

I recently started writing poetry. It's weird. I don't really see myself as a creative person. But I sing and I paint, and now I write. I'm just not particularly good at any of them. And I don't really like for people to know about it either. Maybe that's becuase I feel like I'm not good at it, or maybe it's becuase I want to have it all for myself. But as I sat down to write about some of my thoughts as of lately, I kept thinking about this poem I wrote. Lately, it seems as if I have been on a journey to learn to love my little ordinary life. So here's whats been on my heart:

Ordinary life

I've had my share of obligatory loss
and dreams I know won't come true.
But I'm done with drawing lines to cross.
It's time to make life good, not just make do.
It's time to quit whining and just pursue
My plain and simple, ordinary life.

I used to rail against my compromises.
I wished for fairy tales and white lace.
But happiness arrives in new disguises:
A Mardi Gras glitter shoe, getting to say grace.
A walk in the rain, that silly smile on your face.
My plain and simple, ordinary life.

I'm just not made for happily ever after.
It seems the woman I've turned out to be
Is not the leading lady but the laughter.
But I have learned to find the poetry
In what my hands touch and my eyes see.
My plain and simple, ordinary life.

So I've been reading Leviticus...

2011-02-08T07:46:00.004-06:00

Don't even ask me why. It's one of those things I just can't explain. I guess I got inspired after my 6 week stint teaching Children's church (Moses, Joshua, Caleb and Jericho...). Whatever the reason, the other day I ran across something that is actually amazing (an I thought some sections of the Bible were put in there just to help me sleep on a restless night...).

Leviticus 10:10 "You must distinguish between what is sacred and what is common."

The Lord says this to Aaron after telling him that if he gets drunk before going to Tabernacle then he will surely die. Suddenly, the book of Leviticus began to come into perspective. The Israelites were God's holy people. Holy. Set apart. Different. Not common. And yet they are just people who do common things sometimes and God has to remind them of who they are. The law of Moses always seemed silly and restrictive to me, but now I feel a little... jealous.

Don't get me wrong, I love eating bacon and not having to be exiled to a tent with all the other menstruating women when my monthly visitor comes. But sometimes I wish there were more clear cut rules to sort out the holy from the common in my life. My generation loves community but hates going to church. We love tolerance but hate being judgmental. I feel like I live a life that is so ordinary, and I'm not so sure I know what it's supposed to look like to be holy. Set apart. Different. Not ordinary. So I am a little jealous of the Israelites and their God who spoke directly to them and sent them signs and told them exactly what they needed to do.

So tonight I'm praying for God to reveal himself to my little, ordinary self. I don't know for certain, but I'm guessing that when he does, I'll realize I'm not so ordinary after all...

Dreaming of what can be...

2011-01-17T21:59:00.002-06:00

Today is Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. Martin Luther King inspired Americans by sharing his dreams for what could be. Since I was in high school I have had a personal tradition of taking a few minutes to do some dreaming of my own. I am well aware that this post makes me seem young, naive and idealistic. And, well, I am. And you know what? I'm not even embarrassed to admit it anymore. So, I have a dream that one day...

- Racial groups would be accurately represented across occupations and socioeconomic distinctions. Ex. African Americans make up about 14% of the U.S population but only about 6% of U.S. attorneys are black.

- Men and women would stop hating on each other. It's high time we start giving each other the respect we deserve and stop with the blame, insults, and accusations.

- That every child in the U.S. would learn how to read by the time they finish the 2nd grade. Research has shown that if a child does not learn by then they are more likely to have below average test scores, not finish high school, and maybe even never learn to read at all.

- There would be peace in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

- People all over the U.S. would have access to health care. I'm not sure how that happens or what the economic implications are of that. But I do know that everyone ought to be able to get preventative medical care, regardless of how much money they have.

- Girls everywhere would feel valued by the church. This may seem random, but if you know me you know that my heart breaks when i think about the way the church has gotten it wrong when it comes to gender relations. But I think that one day it can be different, it can be better.

I hope you took some time to dream today.

Perspective

2011-01-11T22:03:00.003-06:00

Sometimes life is heart breaking. Last week I was heart broken over a manipulative boy. Saturday I was heart broken when the Saints lost the playoff game. Sunday I was heartbroken when I broke my favorite coffee mug. Then Monday morning I went to work and found out that 2 of my students were involved in a terrible car accident. These girls are Dean's list students. They have sunny dispositions. They are good girls. They go to church. They volunteer. They love thier families. And now they are laying in hospital beds with broken bones, swollen brains, and internal bleeding all because a police officer chased a criminal into a residential neighborhood without calling for backup to block off the street. The worst part is there was a 3rd girl in the car (thier high school classmate who attends another university in louisiana) who didn't make it out alive. Yesterday I went to the hospital to see the girls and to offer my support to their families and to my other students who were close to them. As I hugged my crying students and listened to the family desperate for some hope, once again I felt heart broken. It's funny how things happen and they change your perspective. Saturday's game is a distant memory and, for once in my life, I am not obsessing over a boy who didn't treat me right.

This week I also got to spend time with my sweet friends Sam and Aaron who just had a sweet baby boy. This is a happy season for them where everything thier sweet son does is a new discovery of cuteness. Every little thing, from pooping to burping to eating to sleeping to yawning.... suddenly becomes precious. I loved spending time with them and sharing in their new joys (and challenges of course...) in being new parents.

It seems that this week was a lesson on Romans 12:15. All week it seems like I have been going back and forth between bursting and broken hearts. On student comes into my office telling me how exciting thier holiday was and the next student I see tells me of how no one bought her a present and she got kicked out of the house on Christmas day. But we are blessed to have people in our lives at different times for different reasons. Living life with Jesus means rejoicing with those who rejoice, and mourning with those who mourn. It's been a bit of a roller coaster. Such is life. Tonight I'm just thanking God for he giving me strength when I'm falling apart, courage to face the things I'm afraid of, hope that tomorrow can be different, and his everlasting love that helps me remember that I'm never alone.

Backwards and Forwards

2011-01-01T22:03:00.005-06:00

2010 was a full year.I graduated from my Master's program. I got the stomach flu. I spoke about my research at a national conference. I found a little peace. I owned up to my fear of being alone. I got a job as an instructor for first year students (where I teach them how to make it through thier first year). I redefined Lent. I left my amazing Abilene friends/mentors to move back to my beloved New Orleans. I met Drew Brees and Barack Obama. I gave thanks.

"Delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your ways to him and trust him, and he shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37: 4-5

This year I learned to understand this verse in a very different way. I used to think that it meant that if you loved God enough he would give you what you want. I mean, saying that outloud makes me a little embarassed, but something else I'm learning is that if you can't be honest you can't be saved. After this year of ups and downs, uncertainties, joys, and heartbreaks, I think I was wrong about that verse all along. It's not about giving me what I want. When I really started taking the time to really make an effort to know the Father he began to show me what my heart really looked like. For the most part, I spend all kind of time people pleasing and comparing myself to otehrs. So I'm an expert at knowing what I'm supposed to want, what everyone else thinks I should want, what my family wants, what my friends want. But actually knowing what the desires of my heart are is a different story. For the first time I'm starting to try and sort this out. What I'm finding is that deep down what I really want is a lot different than what I thought. But that's ok.

Hope 2011 is full of light and love.

The Ultimate Gift

2010-12-30T21:50:00.002-06:00

This Christmas I got quite a few really awesome gifts. Deinitely more than I deserve. After opening a blue ray player and a gps navigation system I wasn't expecting there to be any other "really good" gifts under the tree. After all the presents were opened my grandmother said she had just one more thing for me and my older brother. She gave us both a cookbook of family recipes. The book is written her handwriting and includes recipes that are a huge part of our family's traditions and memories. My grandmother included the story of each recipe, where it came from, when our family makes it, whose favorite dish it is. etc. My grandmother is turning 80 this summer. There's no telling how many hours she spent tracking down and writing those recipes for us. It is by far the most thoughtful gift I received and reminded me to let go of the materialism that so often grabs hold of me this time of year. I hope you had a very merry Christmas

Christmas shopping with a new friend

2010-12-21T00:40:00.003-06:00

Today I took my friend Imelda shopping. Imelda is a single mother of 3 beautiful girls. I got to know her because her girls are a part of the kid-city after school and summer programs. Imelda is just learning English, so our time together was good practice for her skills. I enjoyed the afternoon of picking out new tennis shoes and outfits for the sweet girls. As Imelda and I finished up our shopping trip she looked over and me and said "It's hard, it's so hard." Confused, I asked her "What is so hard?" She was unsure of how to say what she was thinking. She tried and tried to find the words but she just couldn't. A few minutes later as we gathered our purchases at the checkout Imelda looked at me and said "Ay, yay, yay! Miss Shannon, It is hard to be a momma!" I am not a mother. I am easily 10 years younger than Imelda and have been supplied with much more opportunity that she. I know nothing about the challenges she faces to raise her girls. But when I looked into her eyes I suddenly understood exactly what she meant. I gave her a hug and said "Yes, Imelda, it's hard to be a momma. You're doing a really, really good job."

My groan up life...

2010-12-17T16:07:00.005-06:00

So it's been a while since I've posted anything. I was busy growing up. That seems like such a silly thing to say, especially when I feel like I've got such a long way to go, but it is sort of true. I don't like to blog when I'm having growing pains, mostly because I'm afraid I'll sound cynical. So here's a few snippets of what I'm learning:

- Consolidating student loans is not as easy as it sounds (and it already sounds kinda hard...). I start making payments soon!

- Keep your receipts and warranty information for large purchases. Preferably all together in a place that you can actually find them.

- Remember that whatever you buy people for Christmas... you have to find a way to wrap it!

- When teaching college freshmen there will always be those kids who show up Friday of finals week and want to know if they can still pass your class even though they haven't turned in a single thing all semester.

- Sometimes people say one thing but mean another. I can not control this. But, I will no longer waste energy trying to decode the underlying meaning of their words. Just say it and be done with it. Save the manipulation, guilt trips, and subtle hints for someone who actually wants to entertain your games. I don't.

- Old friends are the best. Like make me want to cry when they answer the phone, make things okay again, send me presents when I didn't expect them best. I am so grateful.

- Twinkle lights and hot chocolate are the best distraction from thinking about things you would rather not dwell on.

- Who I am is not determined by what others think of me. I cannot behave foolishly and later say that I was just defending myself or blame my childishness on their provocation. I will always treat others with respect, even if they don't deserve it.

- Advent means to wait in expectation. I am waiting and searching for times when Jesus shows up in my life. The funny thing is, once I started looking I see him all around me.

- I will never tire of watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. I can't help but laugh at Lucy's therapy for nickels and Pigpen's cloud of dust in the snow. I'm a sucker for the terrible tree, Linus' baby Jesus speech, and Hark the Herald Angels sing. I just love it, and I think I always will.

- The people I choose to have in my life are a real hodgepodge. I like that last Monday afternoon I made pralines with my 84 year old friend and that same night went to a dance recital of my 7 year old friend. This week I went shopping with my friend who is a single mom of 3 kids and works part time as a cook for a convent and I had lunch with my friend who's an attorney. I got some advise and encouragement from 2 different friends, one single the other married and a mom of 3. Sometimes I feel like my relationships make no sense. Then I realize how beautiful it is because it makes no sense.

- I am a magnet for awkward situations. Seriously, they flock to me. When dealing with these things its best to be graceful, or if that's not possible laugh until you cry or can't breathe... haha

- When shopping for real art, learn to control your sticker shocked face. Artists may take offense if you think their masterpiece isn't worth what they're asking for it. :-)

- People are so nosy. But they don't want you to know it so they meddle. And if they can't figure it out they make stuff up. It's annoying.

- Brushing teeth at night is essential, no matter how tired I am.

- When tragedy strikes, there is often little you can do except love and pray.

- At the end of the day, no matter what has happened, faith, hope and love remain in your heart to keep you going. And, it's true what they say: the greatest of those really is love.

The greatfulness project: Day 25

2010-11-25T22:51:00.004-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! This will be my last daily installment for the gratefulness project. You can fully expect a post of reflections about the experience. I pray that you take time to thank our Father in Heaven for all the love, blessings and challenges you have in your life this Thanksgiving.

Today I am thankful for so many things:

1. Spending time with my sweet parents

2. Mary Poppins

3. Dogs

4. Cookbooks

5. Catching up with my sister in law

6. Very important text messages. haha:-)

7. Facebook baby pictures. I love pics of cute babies especially on holidays and Facebook is my number 1 supplier! haha

8. That Christmas is finally a socially appropriate thing to celebrate

9. My job

10. Friends who are spread literally across the world. I have been blessed to know some of the most amazing people and I am grateful to call them my friends.

11. The fact that I am searching for something that I just can't seem to grab hold of. I can already see how this particular challenge has helped me develop my trust in God as my provider and listening to the Spirit's whisper in my heart. I mostly hate the feeling of being eluded, but I'm a firm believer that challenges aren't really bad things, and that they help us grow.

12. Jesus. For his love, for his grace, for his peace, for his redemption. Just for him, plain and simple.

I'm still listening....

2010-11-23T22:27:00.003-06:00

So every night for the past week and a half I've tried to start a (non greatfulness project) post. Every time I find myself at a loss for words. I kind of hate that feeling. I hate not being able to articulate whats going on in my head and in my heart. But a few days ago I had an epiphany. Whenever I find myself at a loss for words its usually because I really need to listen. So that's what I've been doing for the past several days. Just waiting and listening. I thought I would hate this. I don't usually like listening and I definitely hate waiting. But this time around there's something so calming about it. So I'm still here, I'm still listening to the whispering of the Spirit to tell me what I really need to hear. I still haven 't gotten my thoughts together, but I think that just means I have some more listening and waiting to do.

The greatfulnessproject: Day 23

2010-11-23T22:13:00.002-06:00

I'm thankful for:

1. Doing my part to keep the 11 year old boy I tutor from internalizing the myths of racism in America that our culture would have us buy into. Perhaps I overthink it, but I just want to do my part.

2. Affirmation when I most needed and least expected it.

3. Getting to know a new friend.

4. Watching one of my students who is a natural born leader use her powers for good. So often I see her self-destructing, but today she was totally doing the right thing... and everyone else followed suit.

5. Jimmy Needham pandora station.

The greatfulness project: Day 22

2010-11-22T23:06:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. Being spontaneous

2. Visiting old ladies

3. Hanging in there when it really counts

4. Crying. Sometimes a good cry is the best thing in the whole world. I don't know if you know what I mean

5. My really super cute skirt that I work today. (I guess you'll just have to take my word for it...) ;-)

The greatfulness project: Day 21

2010-11-21T23:46:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. A God who makes us brand new.

2. People who make decisions to follow Jesus

3. Awkward moments

4. Precious dining room chairs!

5. My silver tinsel christmas tree

The greatfulness project: Day 20

2010-11-20T22:37:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. Sleeping in

2. Clean Sheets

3. Christmas lights

4. LSU wins

5. Arts and crafts with feathers and glue and googly eyes

6. Peace that passes understanding

The greatfulness project: Day 18

2010-11-18T22:08:00.002-06:00

I'm thankful for:

1. Making homemade chicken curry

2. Students who learned to apologize when they did something wrong. I love it when I get to be present when the teachable moment comes full circle.

3. Cute babies

4. Convincing a student not to drop out of school

5. When people work as a team like they're supposed to

6. Making button flowers with my coworkers

7. Standing up for myself

8. Deciding to stop feeling lame for no reason. It's another long story in my endless battle to quiet my self-doubting voice, but today I had a small victory. I hope it's the first of many.

The greatfulness project: Day 16

2010-11-16T22:46:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. Catching up with Jenna. She is one of my soul sisters and I'm glad she's in my life.

2. Saying thank you when it counted

3. Being reminded that worthiness always comes from within

4. Sharing my faith when that wasn't the popular answer

5. Trying a new recipe

The greatfulness project: Day 13

2010-11-13T22:10:00.002-06:00

I am thankful for:

1. 5 year old's soccer games. Seriously, best entertainment ever.

2. Time alone to recharge.

3. Morning grocery runs with kids in pajamas and no shoes to get stuff to make french toast.

4. Catching up with my Kellykins

5. Prayer. Somethings you just have to talk to Jesus about. I don't know if you know what I mean. But there are just some things that just pull at your heart and the only thing to do with it is take it to the Lord. I'm not explaining it right, but the long and short of it is that our Father in Heaven cares about me enough to entertain my meaningless words and gently whisper in my ear that it'll be alright. I can breath a little deeper.

The greatfulness project: Day 12

2010-11-12T22:45:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. Sweet children

2. Unexpected phone calls

3. Awkward questions

4. Giggling. It's seriously one of my favorite activities... haha

5. Learning to embrace the chaos that is life sometimes... I'm still a work in progress on this front. :-)

The greatfulness project: Day 10

2010-11-10T21:07:00.003-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. Taking little girls to ballet class

2. Playing soccer with two sweet boys while wearing my work clothes.

3. The fact that the Lord is the strength of my heart.

4. Students who still want to be in class next semester (and that I haven't scared them off just yet...haha)

5. The country music awards. That's right. I said it. I learned to love country music while living in tx. Plus it's the only awards show where people don't act all pretentious when they accept their award. None of this thanking every busy and important person who they may need to call a favor in to later. Just thank you from the heart.

The greatfulness project: Day 9

2010-11-09T22:17:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. Buying new shoes

2. Writing thank you notes

3. Iced tea

4. Showing my students mercy

5. The fact that there is no fear in love. 1 John 4:18 reminds me that I was created to be fearless. It challenges me to stop living out of fear and start doing something radical.

The greatfulness project: Day 8

2010-11-08T20:18:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. God's gentle whisper.

2. Learning from my mistakes.

3. Pandora's John Legend station.

4. Fresh fruit

5. Helping my students take responsability for their actions (perhaps the most difficult part of being a grown up...)

The greatfulness project: Day 7

2010-11-07T22:47:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. The extra hour of sleep last night!

2. Precious moments at the church picnic: A little girl, Dayarie, ran up to me when she saw me with arms wide open then as I picked her up to hug her she demanded I paint her face... haha. Also several of the church members brought thier dogs and I got to hang out with my favorite four legged friend, Nellie. And the little girls were sweet trying to pet her. I also got to catch up with Kirk, Paul and Perry. And climb a tree. So, so fun.

3. A great Saints win!

4. Finally getting time to clean up around my house

5. Inheriting some new furniture that's traveled all around my church from the Carpenters to the Rogers and now to me. It makes me remember how blessed I am to have such a giving church family.

6. That God is my protector. In SO many ways.

The greatfulness project: Day 6

2010-11-06T22:16:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. I passed the NCE! Now I have to go through the process of applying for licensure but it is definitely a big feat behind me.

2. Hot water bottles

3. Snuggies

4. People who are proud of me when I succeed

5. The feeling of peace I have in my heart today. I wish I could explain it better, but I think I should just leave it at that.

The greatfulness project: Day 5

2010-11-05T21:32:00.004-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. That every day is brand new. I can start fresh, let go of yesterday's drama, and choose a new attitude.

2. Having a teachable moment with one of my students on disciplinary probation. There are some lessons we all must learn that you just can't teach in a classroom. Today I got to help a student learn to take responsibility for her actions and right a wrong that sh created (regardless of who else contributed to the problem).

3. Singing "stand by me" with my 4 of my students in the quad this afternoon

4. Praying with my student: One of my students is having back surgery tomorrow. This student has really made an effort to get to know me throughout the semester. He is a long way from home, had a pretty rough life growing up, and is a practicing Muslim. He often comes to me to discuss issues with girlfriends, family, religion, and his African World Studies class (I am following the classes readings for fun since its interesting and about a third of my students are in the class). He came to my office to discuss his plans for surgery and how I can help him during recovery. He was about to leave my office and said that he would really like it if I prayed for him. So I did. I never thought I would do that at my job.

5. Th way God works in ways that I would have never imagined. I love that he is still surprising me with the creative and extravagant ways he loves me.

The greatfulness project: Day 4

2010-11-04T22:07:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. Getting to cheer at faculty/staff vs. student ball games (pompoms and all!).

2. The Mid City farmers market. It's one of the highlights of my Thursdays

3. Remembering the excellent advice I got from my dad

4. Friends who share silly youtube videos and let you play with their dog when you had a bad day.

5. Conviction: Today was a hard day. There are some times in your life when God whispers in your ear and show you what you must do. Today was on of those days for me. While realizing my own shortcomings is never fun, the feeling of conviction reminds me that I am child of God. It's who I'm meant to be. Furthermore, conviction reminds me that God really does love and care for me and is involved in my life. It reminds me that I can't do/fix/be everything for everyone. It reminds me that he is the God who holds all things together.... and all things starts right here with me.

The greatfulness project: Day 3

2010-11-03T21:25:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. The student who told me that "I just seemed like a wife." haha 18 year old boys say the silliest things sometimes...

2. Friends who call just to check in

3. Arnold Palmers (aka iced tea lemonade). Seriously, so refreshing and delicious.

4. Getting to use my psychology background to help students. My job is not a typical clinical work. But today, a professor who I had some recent interaction with brought me a student who he thought may be suffering from some serious clinical issues. I love being able to use my skills to get students plugged in to the resources they need.

5. Productive study time. I'm not going to lie. I am so done with studying for this stupid test, but I do like it when I have really productive study sessions. It means less study time in the long run.

6. Psalm 37: 3-7
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.

The greatfulness project: Day 2

2010-11-02T18:32:00.004-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:

1. My awesome plaid raincoat: It's just cute and I like cute things that are also functional. If only it had a hood... then it would be perfect!

2. The student who came and sat next to me at the basketball game tonight: I went to the first half of the Dillard b-ball game against Loyola before I came home from work. One of my coworkers was supposed to go with me but he decided to go home and come later (I needed to go home early to study). I went and sat down where I saw an open spot (realizing later that the faculty and staff sit together in a spot you can't see from the door...). I was fine by myself and cheering on the DU players (many of whom I have in class). After a few minutes one of my students came and sat with me. He said that he thought it was cool that I came and that I sat in the student section (I didn't have the heart to tell him I just didn't know any better). I only stayed until half time, but it was fun getting to know him better and watching the basketball game.

3. Diet coke: Enough said!

4. The awesome pictures I keep seeing from the Rally to Restore Sanity this weekend. A couple of my faves are listed below.

5. Take out night: For the most part I try to cook dinner at home. I use the word cook somewhat loosely (e.g. last night I heated a veggie burger and threw some frozen sweet potato fries in the oven. there was no chopping, mixing, etc.). But, once a week, when I feel spent and busy I phone dinner in. And I don't even feel bad about it.

The greatfulness project: Day 1

2010-11-01T18:05:00.005-06:00

The month of November has always been one of my favorite months. The weather is usually pleasant. Many of the boys I know decide to participate in "no-shave November" so they have some pretty awkward facial hair going on. Football season is getting really good. I start buy Christmas gifts. And, most importantly, Thanksgiving is upon us. This month, I want to really work on redeveloping my attitude of gratitude. I feel like lately I've been a little lazy when it comes to giving thanks. So this month I'm going to be making a daily list of 5 things each day that I am thankful for. Here are the rules: 1. I have to have at least 5 things. 2. No repeats. 3. It has to be something that is specific to the day, not merely general (although things I should always be thankful for can be listed if an event of the day prompted my conviction about it). I will posting what I'm thankful for but also probably blog about other things, so my gratitude posts will be marked by the title. I don't promise to post daily, but I will do the exercise every day. Alright that's it. I hope you'll join me in gratitude this month!

Today I'm thankful for:

1. The relationship I have with my mother: Today one of my students told me about her stormy relationship with her mother who has not spoken to her in months and ruined her high school graduation. While my mother and I's relationship is far from perfect, I know that she loves me and would never be so vindictive as to ruin a time that should be a milestone for me. I am thankful that she loves me and wants what's best for me no matter what.

2. Precious moment with baby Kennedy: The secretary in my office, Ivy, has a 2 year old baby girl Kennedy. Ivy's fiance Bryan often picks up Ivy from work and brings Kennedy in the office. Today she came running into my office for some love and it was just too sweet.

3. Leftover Halloween candy: My students were so much quieter with suckers in their mouths.... haha

4. An extra cup of coffee on the Monday morning after Halloween weekend.

5. This awesome music video that I ran across this morning before work... Prepare for a really, really good laugh.

http://music.todaysbigthing.com/2010/10/29

Measuring up

2010-10-17T22:20:00.000-05:00

So about 8 weeks ago I started working at Dillard University in New Orleans. Basically my job is to teach their first year students how to be really good at college. I get to meet with students one on one and I also teach 7 sections of the first year seminar course.

I am not a great teacher. I think I just lack some essential classroom management skills. I do alright when the class is naturally a good group of students (they engage without being rowdy). But when the class under-engages I find it difficult to draw them in. When the class gets rowdy I find it difficult to redirect them back to classroom behavior.

Last Monday one of my coworkers sat in on one of my classes. I have a pretty strong need to impress others (or at least not look like a total idiot) and with him in the room I felt especially inept. With every comment I found myself wondering what he was thinking an what he would have said if he were responding in my place. As it became more and more difficult to focus on students the Holy Spirit pricked my heart as if to say "Where are you Shan?" And I shut off the voice in my head telling me I wasn't good enough for long enough just to be present with my class. I had to put their need for me to be present and listen to their needs before my desire to look smart, witty, intelligent or successful. Later that morning I was going back over the class in my head thinking of all the brilliant things I should have said. I kept thinking about my weak areas as a teacher.

Ironically, my coworker walked into my office just then to discuss my class. As it turns out, he was pretty impressed with how the class went. While I was ruminating about my shortcomings, I forgot about the big picture. You see the class I teach isn't about me at all. It's about the students coping with the obstacles of their first year. My coworker reminded me that I really need to focus less on myself and more on the students I work with.

Isn't that how it often is in our lives. We get caught up on saying and doing the right things at the right time around the right people. But really, God calls us to worry less about our status in the world and more about the business of His kingdom.

Where ever I am Satan is always coming for me... usually through my pride and need for approval from others. I am so thankful that I serve a God who loves me despite my bad attitude, vain conceit, and jealousy. Most days I hate that I am a work in progress. But tonight the spirit keeps telling me that in somethings, the journey is the reward.

Mental gymnastics

2010-10-10T13:16:00.003-05:00

So today at church we talked about psalm 22. Through the service different parts of the psalm were read and people, well men, in the congregation shared their testimonies of how they learned to trust in God during hard times. It was a beautiful service that encouraged a real discussion of faith in the dark times that doesn't happen enough in our churches.

But I am writing this post for a different reason. Kirk asked me to participate in the first reading. Basically he had four people (2 men, 2 women) read the first 3 verses of the psalm. That's right people me and our minister's wife, Jenny, read a scripture during church today. We sat in the front row to read and spoke with a microphone.

The church is still standing, God didn't send a bolt of lightening to get us even though women participated in the service. No one even got up and walked out. There will probably be some complaint among members, although I probably won't hear them first hand. What we did today was acceptable, but for some arbitrary reasons that I don't understand. You see, we could have read the passage exactly the same, but if we had been standing facing our brothers and sisters it would have been deemed inappropriate.

My whole life I've been learning how to perfect the mental gymnastics of being a woman in the church of Christ. I should pray fervently. In fact, to be a real woman of God is to be a prayer warrior, and pray for those who are broken hearted, sick or hurting. But I just can't do it out loud when there's a baptized man around. Unless it's before a meal and the people I'm with are really close to me or kind of progressive. And I can pray in front of the men I'm closest to who are my spiritual brothers when were in the library or at my house or a coffee shop. Just not during a church service. Also, my church really loves that I'm a decent singer. Because i went to ACU and had to sing every day in chapel I know alot of songs. But I can't lead singing at church. But on Wednesday night a few weeks ago, a woman requested that we sing a song and our normal song leader had to work late. The sub didn't know it. So they asked me to start it. So I guess I can lead singing, but only if no other man who can reasonably carry a tune knows the song well enough to start it off, and I keep my seat rather than stand up. And of course, I really need to read the Bible and know a lot about to be a good Christian woman. They even let me teach children's classes because they think I know enough to pass the good news along. If I wanted to teach other women that would be fine to. And it's also ok for me to talk about my biblical knowledge or how God has spoken to me through a certain passage in casual conversation with other Christian men. But I definitely couldn't share something like that with my church on a Sunday morning or Wednesday night. That would be totally against the rules. I can prepare the communion trays (which I used to do at SoHills) and set them out. But I can't pass the trays around. Unless the guy who was passing it me forgot that I had it and I'm on the end of a row, then I could probably get up and pass it to another row, but just to be on the safe side I would probably just sit there holding the tray out until someone came and got it or just hide it under the pew ( I did that once when I was 10 because I didn't know what else to do and I knew I wasn't supposed to get up...).

I'm tired from all the swinging around the issue. The rules keep changing on me and I can't always keep up. Today I find myself wishing that it weren't like this. Wishing that we could all focus a little more on the Father's great love for us and a little less on the rules of a stupid game that we made up ourselves. The thing is, I've spent my whole life learning these arbitrary rules. I'm not sure what I would do without them. A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about how the church ought to base roles off of giftedness rather than gender. The more I've thought about that the more I find myself wondering what my gifts really are. I'm not sure I would even know.

I was honored to participate in today's service. And I am thankful that I go to a church that is so full of love like Carrollton is. I just hate that I spent the rest of the time wondering if people would be mad that I read. What a question, right, "Will people be mad at me for reading the Bible?" Something has to change. Maybe in my own heart, maybe in the church (probably both). But I have no idea what exactly that is or how to accomplish it. May God give us wisdom to do what is right... May God have mercy on us when we have it all wrong...

Picking up the pieces

2010-09-20T22:02:00.002-05:00

Last week my friend Dr. Beck recently posted about why he writes his blog. He compared his spiritual life to sorting through rubble in post-Katrina New Orleans. This metaphor resonated with me for obvious reasons. I wrote a long comment and wanted to share it here. I imagine that almost everyone who reads this knows me well and reads my pitiful attempt to put my thoughts together keeps reading only because they are my friend. I am not particularly articulate or profound. I am, generally speaking lost... but hopeful that I will find my way eventually. I have had friends in the past who read my blog and were disheartened, saddened and shaken up by what I had to say. I told them not to read it. They were better off just not knowing the thoughts in my overly analytical head. In any csee, borrowing Dr. Beck's words, "If your faith and doctrine are like a beautiful house, with the clean lines of certainty and the firm foundation of God's Truth, then letting me into your house would be, I'd expect, quite unsettling... See, I had a nice house once. But a hurricane hit it. From a faith perspective I'm in a post-Katrina situation. All I have left is a bunch of rubble... In short, when you read this blog you are watching a person pick through the rubble of his faith, a person trying to find anything useful that has been left behind."

My morning commute is fascinating. I drive from Old Metairie through Mid-City New Orleans to the university I work at in the Gentilly area. Most of my drive is quite picturesque. I drive past the beautiful oak trees in City Park draped with Spanish Moss then I cross over the bayou. Right before I arrive at work I drive through a neighborhood that was severely damaged by Katrina and has yet to fully return. Some houses in the neighborhood are picture perfect with manicured lawns and new roofs. Others are, as you said, nothing more than piles of ruble. Last week one of the abandoned houses in the neighborhood finally collapsed. On Wednesday the house was still leaned to, but on Thursday it was a pile of dust. As I pass though the neighborhood I pray for the families who live there. For the ones who had the strength to come back and the ones who had to cut their losses. I used to drive through neighborhoods like this and feel sick to my stomach. I wondered how long we would have to live with all that rubble, a constant reminder of the day our world fell apart. Now I see the destruction in a new light. Perhaps because I have become more comfortable with my own "spiritual rubble." I know the heartbreak of standing in the rubble, both physically and spiritually, all to well. But over time God has given me hope to heal that brokenheartedbess. So just as I pray for the families in the neighborhood I pray for believers everywhere, the ones who reside in perfectly manicured theological homes, the ones who've abandoned their destroyed home altogether, but especially the ones like Dr. Beck who hold on to hope and try to put the pieces back together. I'm thankful there are people like him, brave enough to share your journey to rebuild his spiritual house with the rest of us. Whatever kind of house you live in, I wish you grace and peace.

Make it right

2010-08-31T21:57:00.005-05:00

When I was doing research for my thesis I learned about all kinds of obscure sociological theories, psychological phenomena and advanced statistical functions. To be honest, I have already hidden most of the info deep in my long term memory (if I can even recall it anymore...)However, in all the hundreds of pages I read, there is one golden nugget of information that I litter ally think about every day.

This theory that now guides my life is called system justification. People are often faced with threats to the legitimacy of their social system. System justification is defined as “the psychological process by which existing social arrangements are legitimized, even at the expense of personal and group interest” (Jost & Banaji, 1994, p. 2). In other words, in any given social system, be it a family, a church, a nation, or our world at large, things are the way they are (this is called the status quo). Often the status quo has some members of the system in a position of high status or power while others have less status or power. Jost and Banjai's theory proposes that people, regardless of their level of power or status, become comfortable with their status quo (all be it unhealthy and unbalanced) and justify it's existence. According to system-justification theory, when people are faced with threats to their system (i.e. social change) they try to restore their faith in the status quo by engaging in psychological processes that strengthen the apparent legitimacy of the social system (Jost, Banaji, & Nosek, 2004). For example, masculine and feminine stereotypes are often seen as complementary in the sense that each gender group is perceived as having a unique set of strengths that balance out its weaknesses and supplement the assumed strengths of the other group. However, the low status group is only complemented in areas that reinforce their low status (ex. women are seen as nurturing, not authoritative; blacks are seen as athletic or soulful, not intelligent; the poor are seen as resourceful, not capable).

Subordinate groups may be less prone to challenge the status quo if they are regarded as superior to the dominant group on some socially desirable trait (Altermatt, DeWall, & Leskinen, 2003). One particularly interesting finding was that often, because of their desire to maintain the status quo, men tend to prefer women who accept subordinate roles therein reinforcing gender inequality (Vescio, Gervais, Snyder, & Hoover, 2005; Lau, Kay, & Spencer, 2008) (so that's why I'm still single... haha). The complementary nature of the stereotypes create the façade that both groups have advantages and disadvantages, reinforcing the belief that the system is fair and balanced, which it isn't.

So I bet you're wondering why I can't stop thinking about system justification... Since the day I first read about this theory I have found myself constantly thinking about Jesus. You see naturally, like the rest of us, I justify the system I'm in. I rationalize the fact that I don't recycle, that I lock my car doors in a bad neighborhood, that my students are academically under prepared (I now work at an HBCU where almost all of my students are African American and many are 1st generation college students), that I have a restricted role in my faith tradition, that I don't make as much money as my male coworker (even though I am more qualified than he). My natural default is to think that these things are the way they are. I learn to play the game of life by these rules, despite whether or not I think they are fair.

And then I look at the life of Jesus. Jesus ate with tax collectors. He chose fishermen to be in his inner circle. He talked to the woman at the well. He let the prostitute wash his feet with her tears. He threw the money changers out of the temple. He paid attention to the little children. He touched lepers. He died an undignified death. He took the punishment that I deserve. He threw the status quo out the freakin window.

When I'm really honest about the kind of woman God would really call me to be I feel certain that it wouldn't involve justifying a system. So every day I think about what I'm going to do that day to stop making excuses and start making things right. I wish I could say that I was good at this, but the truth is, I'm really bad at being radical. So lately my prayer has simply been this: Lord forgive me for system justification; teach me to be radical. Who knew prayers could be so nerdy?

2010-08-28T23:24:00.004-05:00

My stomach has that knotty feeling as I've been thinking about the hurricane a lot this week. All week things have seemed a little gloomy, but I suppose that's par for the course. A lot of my friends are going to the Katrina events that are taking place around the city this weekend. I can't go. I think I'm still trying to forget.
One of my sweet friends asked me if I was doing alright, becuase he has witnessed how poorly I handle this time of year. I told him that I was alright. Becuase I am. I am sad. I am amazed. I am grateful. I am heartbroken. I am rescued. I am provided for. I am changed forever. I am the same as always. I am just fine. I am all of those conflicting things at the same time. Sometime there are no words, just tears- but I think that's alright.

Praise God. He loves me even when I'm a living contradiction.

Grown up?

2010-08-22T22:06:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I start my very first professional job. I am giddy with excitement and trembling in fear. In two weeks, I'll move into an apartment on my own. I looked into buying a washer and dryer yesterday. I'm not sure how it happened, but I feel like I woke up and turned into a grown up! A few observations from this transition:
- I am really blessed with people who really care about me. I am especially thankful for all the adults in my life who treat me like family. My professors and supervisors poured energy into shaping and molding me into a professional of integrity. My brothers and sisters (or as I like to call them, my spiritual aunts and uncles) at church have loved and encouraged me until they were blue in the face to make sure I that I always kept the Father at the center of my life.
- I am really excited about my job, and I feel so official with my real life big girl job, but I am really cautious. I want to honor God with my professional life and, since this is a new experience for me, it will be a journey to figure out how to do that.
- Making a large purchase is really intimidating.
- Deep breathing will change your life. I am so serious. I am a shallow breather and when I force myself to take long relaxed breaths for a few minutes I get a little woozy from all that oxygen! haha
- Money definitely isn't everything. But it is a releif to know I'm on somebody's payroll...
- No one has it all figured out, and I don't have to either. If I am really going to be the woman God has called me to be, I've got to stop trying to seem like I'm so together and just be honest with others, myself and God about where I'm at.
- Relish every second of a mojor milestone. You will never get that time back, and I want to remember all the crazy and boneheaded things I did in 20 years so I can tell my children about them and laugh.

I'm off to get some rest- I have a big day tomorrow!

Dating Jesus (final thoughts)

2010-08-15T21:55:00.001-05:00

Campbell writes about her reaction to the story of the Capernaum woman in Luke 8:43-48 who had been bleeding for 12 years. She spent everything she had in futile attempts to get well, and when she heard of Jesus she just wanted to touch the hem of his garment.

Campbell writes:

That is what blindsided me- she felt unworthy, but her faith healed her. That, and the notion that there's a whole army of us, regardless of our orientation, who have been made to understand that we don't fit in and aren't entirely wanted, that we are somehow unclean, unworthy. The performance artist knew that in the eyes of some, his orientation placed him outside God's love, especially according to the believers with whom he once worshiped. And I knew that as a woman, my church did not think me quite worthy of the entirety of God's saving grace. Don't tell me that God had in mind for me a special role. We all know there's no such thing as separate but equal. I either get to walk straight to the throne of God or I don't. There is no halfway, no compromise.

But her faith healed her....

Sometimes I wonder just what it will take to help me really heal that feeling of unworthiness I have buried in the pit of my heart. Campbell goes on to say that she realized that all her life she had been courting the wrong Jesus. She writes that:

The real Jesus wouldn't have worried if I spoke out in Sunday school. He might have expected it- demanded it, even... The real Jesus wouldn't have loved me any less because of my gender. He most likely would have shown me a kind understanding I wouldn't have received from many other people in my life. He would have been ok with the quirks and the really mean parts of me I try to ignore... The real Jesus would have loved me for me.

That's just it- the REAL Jesus loves me for me. The devil keeps telling me that I'm not good enough, that I'll never be good enough. It seems that my daily struggle is to let go of my futile efforts to be good enough for everyone else and cling to the real Jesus, who I am already good enough for.

If nothing else, I find that this book made me more and more committed to making sure that I do my part to help girls growing up in the church don't feel unworthy because of their gender. I hope you'll read the book no matter how you feel about gender and the church.

Dating Jesus (part three)

2010-08-12T11:44:00.004-05:00

At the Christan Scholars conference I heard a very interesting presentation from Pat Keifert about the strengths, weaknesses, and trends in the churches of Christ. Keifert, a professor Luther Seminary in St. Paul, is the president of Church Innovations, an organization that provides research and consulting tools, products and processes that increase your church’s capacities to experience God’s renewal and transformation.

Keifert's presentation was really interesting on a number of fronts, but one of the things he discussed was what factors contributed to people leaving the church of Christ in the past 10 years. He divided people who leave the church into 2 groups- people who leave for another religious group and people who leave and no longer attend church at all. Among those that left the church of Christ in the past 10 years and no longer attend church anywhere, 90% say that among their top 3 reasons for leaving was the restrictions placed on women's role in the church.

Susan Campbell, author of Dating Jesus, was in that number. She writes extensively about her decision to leave the church because of the blatant sexism prevalent in the tradition and how much it pains her to give up the traditions of her childhood faith.

Many years after she stopped attending church, Campbell attended a Christian Church while visiting her brother and his family on vacation. She describes her realization about how much her fundamentalist roots have affected her. She writes:

This is an alternate universe, and the thing that is killing me is that so many of these casually dressed people seem so sure of themselves and their faith and their God. They look happy... They have this giddy joy about them that I don't recognize, and as soon as I realize that, I feel like a bat in a butterfly box. Like a tongue goes to a sore tooth, I can't stop worrying the thought. I know I am mean and judgmental, but that religion doesn't seem real to me if they all feel so damn happy about it. I don't feel happiness. My God is not smiling. My God is pissed.

Ah Christ, I'm going to cry during yet another song service,only I'm not crying because I'm moved by the possibility and the unrealized potential of my own faith. I'm crying because it's hopeless- isn't it?- to regain something you never had. My brother leans in again and says something that makes me sit down, fast:

"Fundamentalism broke off in us, didn't it?"

She goes on to describe how fundamentalism broke of on her and her brothers like a sword, and she fears that she may never heal from the wound. This part of the book made me so grateful for the church family I grew up in, who is less legalistic (at least in comparison to some), and tries to live life by the Spirit. But I thought of my sweet mother, who grew up in a very fundamentalist church and home. Over the years she has stood out in her family as the liberal, and part of her delights in that, but part of her is scared to death. My mother is a great woman. She loves God, she loves her husband and her family, she loves the children she teaches (yes, every single one in the past 32 years- roughly 750 children). She lives a generous life, constantly giving of herself. I just don't care if she isn't right all the time when it comes to interpreting scriptures or making the exact right choices. She is far more dedicated to doing right than being right. I pray that the church would learn to be more like that. Maybe then we wouldn't leave our children feeling as if they have been fatally wounded but rather eternally loved.

Dating Jesus (part two)

2010-08-11T13:40:00.003-05:00

On Monday I was sitting in the sauna after my water aerobics class with a few other women who had also just gotten out of the pool. All of these women are older than me, some married, some with young children, some old enough to be my mom. One woman began talking about how she was having a difficult time at work because she had recently had to take off time to attend to her children. Some of the women with grown children began telling stories of how hard it was to balance work and family when they were raising their kids, and offered her some words of encouragement as she made the choice to be a mom first. I just listened during this discussion. I started to think about the compromises I will make if I ever get married and have a family. I thought about the compromises I have made in my life thus far, and how hard some of those choices were, and how sometimes I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about the alternative option. I wondered if I would know what choices to make when the time was right in the future.

In Dating Jesus, Campbell addresses some of the compromises she made to fit into the church. She writes:

"I am growing less comfortable with the compromises I've made in my head. I love Jesus, but if all believers are urged to stay on the straight and narrow, there seems to be an especially narrow road built for women. I do not know how to talk about this. I can't ask my mother. I sense she doesn't chafe nearly as much as I do under what are starting to look like clear restrictions. She has tried to teach me how to get what I want from men - by flattery and subterfuge, mostly- but I haven't the patience for diplomacy and it annoys me that I must go through men to get what I want in the first place. Saying all this out loud will label me in some way I can't yet define. And so I keep quiet."

This spoke to my experience in a way I'm not sure I can effectively describe. I have never liked rocking the boat. But it breaks my heart when I think about how women in most religious traditions are being clearly disenfranchised. When I look at the young girls I teach in Sunday school I can see how amazingly talented they are. God has gifted them with abilities I could only dream of, and I refuse to teach them that they should hold back because they are girls. My constant prayer is that these sweet girls will grow into Godly women who don't have to compromise who they are to fit into the church's mold. Furthermore, I am convinced that for this to happen we need more women like Susan Campbell who love Jesus enough to know He loves them back, just as they are.

Dating Jesus (part one)

2010-08-10T16:57:00.005-05:00

When I was at the Christian Scholars Conference in Nashville I met a new friend named Susan Campbell. Susan wrote a brilliant memoir about her experience as a woman growing up in a conservative church of Christ. It is called Dating Jesus: A story of Fundamentalism, Feminism and the American Girl. Over the next few posts I will reflect on a few of Campbell's key points.

I have been slowly working through the book since I purchased it in June. It took me a long time to get through for 2 main reasons: 1. The book is not simply personal anecdotes and reflection but also a well researched analysis of feminism, fundamentalist tradition and scripture that is taxing to read. 2. The personal anecdotes and reflection often made me think critically about some of my own experiences and were, at times, emotional. I would consider both of these reasons great strengths of the book, but it is certainly not the kind of book you read in a day or two on vacation.

The book tells the story of her journey of getting to know Jesus in church growing up, ultimately feeling as though she couldn't stand to be in a church tradition that cast her aside. Campbell is honest about how difficult that decision has been for her, and the pangs she feels at times for her church's singing and friendly faces. But, in the end, the lack of equality is simply too much to bear. A common theme in fundamentalist churches is to think that you are the only ones who are really right. Campbell eventually trades being right for doing right, which is ultimately the most important thing anyway.

One of my favorite parts of the book comes from a story Campbell tells about fundamentalist evangelism. As a teenager Campbell door knocked in her community to save souls for Jesus. One day she comes across an unfriendly dog, and feels guilty that she is going to let the person living in the house burn in Hell because their dog scared her from knocking on the door. She writes:

"I feel like a creep about this. There are kids in my youth group who, even they bring not one solitary soul to Jesus, seem to thrive on this, the thrill of the hunt. I do not understand what is wrong with me... There's a hymn we sing, "Come to Jesus, He will save you, though your sins as crimson glow," a line that always catches my net... I worry about what my own neon-red light might say, but when I talk to these sad people I don't see any red. I see abject poverty and houses that smell like last week's dinners and windows painted shut and children in clothes that hang off their thin shoulders. These are my neighbors and I know they're struggling, with overdue rent and cars that don't start, and I haven't the heart to send them to hell on top of all that. figuratively and otherwise. As much as it weighs on my soul, I opt, instead, to let the sinners go free. Perhaps somewhere down the road, if God really loves them, they will find their way to Jesus-my brand of Jesus, the one we worship at Fourth and Forest church of Christ. This is my prayer."

No envy, no fear

2010-07-31T22:53:00.004-05:00

I live a really rich life. Sometimes I forget this simple fact. So much of the time I am afraid. I am afraid of getting a job. I am afraid of not finding a job. I am afraid of falling in love. I am afraid I will never fall in love. I am afraid of being financially independant. I am afraid of not being financially independent. I am afraid of all the change coming and I am afraid of what will happen to me if things don't change soon.

These are the times in my life when I wish I was braver. Or at least slightly more rational. The truth, of course, is that my life is full of grace, peace, mercy and love. Sure, there's plenty to be afraid of. But I have one bigger reason to be fearless: God's love for me. Remember, "There is no fear in love, because perfect love drives out fear..." (1 John 4:18).

So this week I am working on being a little braver when it counts. Finding an ounce more corage when I feel that fear creeping in to hold me hostage again. I hope that you find that fearless side of yourself when you need it too.

I have a dream that...

2010-07-15T19:24:00.002-05:00

At camp we try to teach the kids something that relates to the main Bible story. Since Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego disobeyed the law to stand up for what was right, we studied the civil rights movement for a week of our camp. On Tuesday in art class our students listened to this part of Dr. Martin Luther King's I have a dream speech:

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today.

Our kids then responded to this dream by illustrating some of their own dreams for their generation. Some of their dreams are listed below. I was truly impressed with how beautiful their dreams really were. I hope and pray that by coming to camp they are one step closer to being able to fulfill thier dream. I have not altered thier phrasing, only corrected their spelling...

From the children of Kid City Camp 2010:
I have a dream that...
- Everyone would be nice
- Everybody will have superpowers
- I would go to heaven
- People would not kill each other anymore
- All children could get the same education with no cost. No difference between private and public!
- People would not litter
- No one would be treated like trash even if they did something bad
- There would be no more shooting in my neighborhood
- The day could be quicker
- Homeless people will have their own house
- Violence would stop because good people are dying for nothing
- New Orleans would have no more floods
- Everyone would have enough money to get by
- Everything would taste like chocolate
- All the cousins, both young and old would share the Wii together
- The war in Afghanistan would end so families could be reunited
- There would be no more oil in the ocean and New Orleans would be cleaned up

"I love you anyway" love

2010-07-12T22:44:00.002-05:00

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." Daniel 3:16-18

This year at camp we are focusing on the stories of Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego (or "Dan, Rack, Shack and Go" as I like to say). One thing that keeps sticking out to me is the love Shardrach, Meshach and Abednego have for God.

One of the things I am always struck by is how God loves us in spite of the fact that we never get it right. He sees who we really are and loves us anyway. That kind of love is what moves me the most to do what's right. However, in my life as a Christian I have gone through many seasons of doubt. These times in my life have almost entirely centered around me doubting that God is really a good God. You see, sometimes, things haven't turned out the way I thought they would. For whatever reason, the circumstances I found myself in seemed contrary to my expectation of a good God. I imagin that at some time or another this happens to most of us. It seems that life rarely goes the way we planned for it to, and we don't always get what we want. Sometimes life is just hard, for what seems like no reason at all. It's at times like these when I need to hear Shadrach, Meshach adn Abednego's words. But even if he doesn't save us, we will not worship the golden idol... In other words, they're saying "Even if God doesn't do what we think he should, we will still do what's right." You see, they have that "I love you anyways" love for God. I wish I was more like them.

We will stand

2010-07-04T23:01:00.002-05:00

This is my friend Rashanel (sorry, this is the only shot I could find, it's at the church's fall picnic). Rashanel has been going to church with me for quite sometime. She is a few years younger than me and lives around the block from the church. After the storm, one of our elder's, Charles, said that he knew Carrollton was really coming back when he saw Rashanel back in the pews. The one thing that always stands out to me is how much she LOVES Jesus. She is always showing love to others, and trying to do what it right. She helps teach Children's Church on Wednesday nights and never ever misses a Sunday morning service. She often brings younger cousins to church with her because their parents don't take them to church. In a word, Rashanel is amazing. Rashanel is also mentally handicapped. While many would consider her the "weakest" member who had the least to offer, Carrollton would simply not be the same without her. She is indispensable. What a great illustration of 1 Cor. 12.

This morning Rashanel asked to sit with me and I was honored. She doesn't always know the words to the songs (and I'm pretty sure she can't read) but she always hums along in her own way. This morning some of the young men leading worship led a song called "We will stand." The words of the song are as follows :

You're my brother, you're my sister
So take me by the hand
Together we work until He comes
There's no foe that can defeat us
When we're walking side by side
As long as there is love we will stand.

As we began to sing the song Rashanel reached over and insisted on holding my hand through the song. I am so blessed to have a sister like her to remind me what it means to love the Lord with all your heart. I pray that you have someone like her in your church family who blesses you as much as Rashanel blesses me. And it really is true you know, as long as there is love we will stand.

Camp week 1

2010-07-01T22:54:00.002-05:00

Camp is finally here. I am so tired, but in a good way you know. I am so impressed with how God always provides a way for his work to be done. Somehow we seem to scrape by with enough money, squeeze in that extra kid who really needs to be at camp, and find enough adult helpers to teach the various subjects without being stretched too thin. My Co-director, Perry, is a wonderful woman who goes to great lengths to make sure our camp is excellent. I have learned so much from her over the years about being a good steward (which often means going to a million different stores with lots of coupons clipped from the paper...). At any rate here's a brief list of some of the things we've been up to and a few pictures:
- In Drama we are learning a play about the story of Daniel. The kids began learning the dances for our musical production. The play is also written in rhyming verse in language that the kids actually understand. The kids have learned a variety of styles including hip-hop, salsa, and R&B.
- In Heart of the Matter the kids have delved deeper into the story of Daniel. They have talked about making healthy choices with thier bodies like Daniel did as well as completed a service project to show appreciation to the individuals who make camp possible.
- In Learning Journeys our kids have practiced thier math skills with drills at their individual levels, tried a variety of vegetables, learned to read a nutrition label, discussed various aspects of healthy living (including a field trip to whole food grocery store where they learned about eating organinc and choosing healthy food items). They also began learning about the solar system.
- In Art class they have done Mondrian style watercolor paintings, mosaics with beans and lentils, made vaegetable prints, and learned about still life drawings.
- Done 2 hours of Yoga and Core training with a professional yoga teacher
-Read for 20 minutes each day
- Lots of singing
- Played lots of four square

2010-06-26T19:21:00.001-05:00

Lately I've been thinking about how much I need God and how little I like to admit that. I am a perfectionist. I love to think that I can have it all together. This often leads to me feeling like I can't do anything right because I inevitably can't have it all together. For example, in the past couple of weeks I have drifted from trying to have all of my church work like camp and mission trip plans together to feeling as if I were totally useless to the church. Both of these extremes are of course untrue, I won't ever have all the work I do for ministry together nor am I totally useless. As much as I don't like to admit it, I have been so convicted lately of how much I genuiely need God. Yesterday as I was driving in my car I was praying about the SoHills mission trip that was finishing up and about camp and about my job search and about some situations going on with young people in the church and I began to cry. I was realizing how willing I was to serve, but how much I needed God to give me wisdom, opportunity, the right words, strength, courage, and power. So my new prayer is that I start doing something that I've never done before: depended on God. If you're anything like me, you hate the phrase "depend on God." It's cliche, unspecific, and something that sounds good but is not very practical. But the thing is, I need to need God; I want to need Him. Perhaps my journey of learning to need others uncovered what I really needed to learn all along: I need God.

Luckily "He existed before anything else; In him, all things are held together..." (Col 1:17), and "all things" includes me.

FBI Warning

2010-06-10T00:08:00.004-05:00

When I was a little girl my older brother told me the FBI warning that came at the beginning of movies said that the FBI would come and take me away if I talked during the movie. I of course believed him, as he always seemed to know everything important. When I was in Kindergarten I went to a birthday party for a friend in my class. During the party we dressed up like princesses and watched Cinderella. The other girls at the party were talking and giggling like little girls do while I was sshhhing everyone. The more they talked the more afraid and upset I became as I just new men in black suits were about to bust down the doors of the house to come take them away and I would of course be guilty by association. I began to cry and the mother of my friend came over to find out what was wrong. She somehow managed not to laugh in my face and gently explained to me that the warning was about something else entirely and that there were no laws that would cart little girls off to jail for laughing and talking during a movie. I was thrilled! I don't think I stopped talking during that movie simply because I realized that if I did there would be no consequence.

Isn't that how sin can be for us. Sometimes we think that there may be terrible consequences to a given action, but then we find out that it's really not that bad. I still remember the first time I said a swear word. I'm pretty sure I was expecting lightening to strike or the ground to swallow me up or something. But nothing happened. Then it seemed like no big thing to let a bad word slip. Sometimes in high school I even said them to be cool. I mean why not, the ground didn't swallow me up when I said them.

I have also heard similar tales from the teenagers I work with about sex, drinking and drugs. They thought they would feel terrible afterward, guilty, angry at themselves, sick to their stomachs. Some do, but some don't. Some even like it. Can you believe that? haha.

The truth is you aren't supposed to talk in movies. If you do people are usually annoyed because it's rude or you might miss a critical line of dialogue and be confused about the plot. While the FBI might not come get me, everyone around me--including me-- will enjoy the movie a lot more if I was just quiet.

Sin is sneaky sometimes. But let's all do ourselves a favor and be truthful about the consequences and reasoning we present to other people. God gave us rules because he loves us, and he knows what's best for us. If there's anything that I don't have to build up a facade to make it seem stronger it's God love. We feel all this anxiety when we try to teach others the good news about Jesus. But sometimes we just have to let the gospel speak for itself, when you do AMAZING things will happen. I just know it.

CSC 2010

2010-06-05T00:17:00.002-05:00

Last week I was at the Christian Scholars Conference At Lipscomb University. Being in Nashville was a blast, and I enjoyed both the conference and getting the opportunity to reconnect with old friends. Here are the highlights:

- I presented my thesis research on a panel with several others from ACU. It was the first time I've ever done anything like that and while there are some things I would change, it was definitely a learning experience and I was very pleased with how things went overall.

- I got to hang out with my lovely thesis chair. I know it sounds nerdy, but me and my chair got very close over the year we worked together. He was kind of like a proud dad when I was presenting, and it was nice to spend a little time with him and his family. It did however remind me of how difficult it will be not to be in Abilene. I love New Orleans, you all know that, but I sure did leave a lot of lovely people back in the lene.

- I got to eat lunch with Ashley and Kathy Musick and Jana Beck (the lovely wife of my thesis chair, Richard Beck). It was delightful. I don't really know Jana, but she is just as lovely as everyone says. Ashley is leaving this week for Brazil, and then moving to Argentina for a year to teach English. Kathy moved to Abilene a year ago and I was so privileged to be her friend since then.

- John Patrick Shanley, the playwright of Doubt, gave a brilliant keynote address about what it means to live in the tension of uncertainty in our lives. It was so creative and funny but also profound. He also opened his speech with some comments about New Orleans, which of course sold me immediately. I attended a few other interesting sessions, one on the future of the church of Christ, one on Thomas Kincade art, and one about justice (which made me understand why I'm not a Libertarian).

- I met a lovely author named Susan Campbell who recently wrote a book called Dating Jesus. Her book is about growing up in a fundamentalist CoC as a woman and I can't wait to read it. She was very funny, incredibly nice, and although I was only around her for a short time, she managed to challenge and encourage me to stop apologizing for what I think about things because I am afraid of how others may react. Her book was reviewed at the conference by 3 PhDs and then she responded. She did an excellent job speaking from her heart. When I finish the book, expect a full review.

- While most of the people at the conference were in the fine arts (this years theme) there were quite a few sessions dedicated to the same general topic as my thesis research. All this time I've been writing about benevolent sexism, or as I call it, subtle sexism. While this phenomenon certainly is alive and well in the church, what I have been sort of avoiding is talking about the overt sexism in the Church of Christ. In my religious tradition I have already reached the highest 'achievement' or status I can: baptized believer. Men on the other hand get baptized when they decide to dedicate their life to Christ. Then they often start waiting on the table, leading singing, and leading prayer at church services. After stumbling through young adult hood they can become a minister if they feel so called, or, if they are married, may eventually become a deacon or elder if they are really spiritually maturing. The church has a built in a way to help men grow in their walk with the Lord and train them up as leaders. If boys express an interest in ministry at a young age they are encouraged whereas girls are told they can't. You don't believe me? I have an older brother who thought he wanted to go into ministry at an early age. My parents and grandparents encouraged this. My brother preached a few sermons in high school and my parents even sent my brother to shadow a youth minister for a while. Although he was not a good student and probably would have benefited from doing a year or two at community college, he was encouraged to go to Bible college to get ministry training. I on the other hand was told I couldn't pray aloud around boys when I was 7. When I was 10, I got up one day to bring the communion tray to the next row (the man serving had overlooked us and I was on the end) and was scolded by a woman in the congregation. When I was in H.S. I led singing during VBS for kids while the adults were in the room, where once again more people in the congregation were uncomfortable because I was upfront at church. My brother is a great person, and certainly had a genuine desire for ministry at one time, and I don't begrudge him that. In fact I am happy that he wanted to share his faith. I'm also not saying that things haven't loosened up a bit around my church. What I am saying is that me and my brother should have both been encouraged to pursue our gifts. This lack of structure to help girls mature into women of faith angers me. What about the girls I teach in Sunday school? What if I ever have a daughter? Will I have to tell them to be quiet because it's "inappropriate?" And what about the boys/men in our churches? When there is injustice to one, everyone suffers. It's a lot to think about. I certainly don't have all the answers. But I do know that I won't apologize for my opinion anymore.

Meeting Drew Brees and self-importance

2010-05-28T12:46:00.004-05:00

Earlier this week I had dinner with a big group at a favorite New Orleans spot in honor of a friend who is going to Peru for the summer. My sweet friend Vinita is in school for public health and has to go to Peru to complete a research project there. We were all having a good time eating and being merry when Drew Brees, the New Orleans Saints superbowl-winning quarterback walked in the door. Because of where I was sitting I spotted him first and struggled to point him out to the rest of the table without causing a scene. He was very nice and even took a picture with Vinita as she told him it was her "last night in America" (see above, also see the picture of me and Vinita, who failed to look at the camera because she was looking at Drew Brees...haha). After we all collected ourselves from the shock off being in the same room with the Drew Brees, all 10 of us got our phones out and sat in silence texting, tweeting, and facebooking so all of our friends and families would know that we were in the presence of greatness. Drew Brees pointed to our table, his friends looked over at us, and then they all had a good chuckle laughing at us.

It was then that I began to think that our little group was a bit ridiculous. Sure it's exciting to meet a superbowl winner, but why were we all staring at our phones rather than staring at Drew Brees? This morning I got up and checked my email and facebook accounts. Then I decided to make french toast. That took me about 20 minutes. After making breakfast I sat down to eat and once again got out my computer to check my email and facebook again. As I admit my addiction to checking email, I think about my generations love of the iPhone, and their incessant need to have whatever designer cellphone they have at their side. What's the big deal about this technology?Simply put, it makes people feel important. It makes us feel needed. It makes us feel that we are a supply in demand.

I suppose that's how all technology has been. I imagine that the first chariot riders thought they were so important that they shouldn't have to actually ride a horse themselves to get from one place to another. The first watch wearers had such precious schedules that they couldn't waste a minute. The first home computer owners were so important they needed expensive technology that they had at work at home too. Now we are tweeting, facebooking and emailing because we are so important that everyone needs to know what we're doing/we need to know what everyone else is doing so we can be cool/witty/fun/relevant. I am convinced, that new technology is addicting because it gives people this false sense of self-worth. Any traditionally dorky person can suddenly be the coolest and trendiest person around with the help of the newest great thing.

Everyone wants to feel important. Everyone wants to be famous. Everyone wants to be cool, creative, and artsy. Everyone wants to have the ipod with the most gigs, the gps with the coolest accent (have you guys heard the caveman voice on those things?) and the Everyone wants to have a blog—oh, wait a second ...

Everyone wants to feel important. But I refuse to accept this phenomenon at face value. I think this goes much deeper to an incarnate need we have as humans to feel valued and loved.

While the search for self-worth can be extremely destructive when sought through artificial means, this search is an essential part of our emotional development. We are designed by God to seek acceptance and love from Him. But we always seem to search in all the wrong places.

However, I have to believe that this feeling of love and acceptance can sneak up on us. What I mean is, often when we put others above ourselves, or start to really depend on the Father for our needs, we start to realize that our worth in Christ, and we weren't even looking for it.

2010-05-26T14:58:00.003-05:00

I just started doing a Beth Moore study with some of the women at my church. In this weeks lesson Moore writes about satisfaction. She says: "A crucial part of fleshing out our liberation in Christ means allowing Him to fill our empty places. Satisfaction in Christ can be a reality. I know from experience, and I want everyone to know how complete He can make us feel. I'm not talking about a life full of activities. I'm talking about a soul full of Jesus."

Ain't that the truth. What a constant battle it is to resist the temptation to fill our lives with activites to keep us busy, and distracted from the empty feeling we all seem to have in our hearts. I am tired of my life of activites. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I like my life. I spend my days looking for jobs, doing work for the church, spending time with friends, reading, and sending out resumes. All of that's fine, but sometimes, in my quiet moments when things have slowed down, I realize that I lack a contentment that I think the Holy Spirit is supposed to bring. The reason I know it's not there, is becuase, sometimes it is there. I wish I could explain it better. I guess all I really mean to say is that I am realizing that as much as I want to get a job and make friends here and start building my life here now that I've moved back-- What I really want is a soul full of Jesus.

Knowing the Father

2010-05-21T20:58:00.003-05:00

2 Peter 1:3-4 "By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires."

When I was little girl, I wanted to know that everything would turn out right. I had to stay up to watch the end of movie or read the end of a book, because I couldn't handle not seeing things get resolved. I still want things to turn out right, that will never end.

Now I wonder more and more what turning out right really means. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the passage above. It says that "God has given us everything we need for living a godly life." I worry a lot about doing things the right way. I'm always overthinking things because I want to make the right decision. I want to choose the right career, the right friends, the right path, the right boyfriend, the right kind of fun to have, the right kind of shampoo to use, the right kind of sandwich to have for lunch... I think I'm starting to realize that maybe the right thing is to simply live a Godly life. After all, the reason I want to do all those things right really boils down to 2 fears: I'm afraid other's won't like me if I do the wrong thing and I'm afraid God won't love me if I make a wrong move. The problem, once again, is my pride. I love to pretend like I am in total control when really, I have to learn to trust God. Wait, I WANT to learn to trust God.

The best part of the 2 Peter passage is the begining of the second sentance. We received everything we need for a Godly life simply by comoing to know him. How simple can it get? All this time I've been spending all this time feeling anxious and putting pressure on myself (and others) to do the "right" things, when really I should have been focusing on knowing the Father. Knowing him is what unlocks his promises. Knowing him is what shows me what's the "right" thing. Knowing him, more specifically knowing his love for me, teaches me to be satisfied by him alone. Everything I need is found right in my relationship with Him. Not rules and regulations. Friendship. So this week, as I have been searching for a job, I have also been searching for the Father, and trying to learn something about him that I didn't know before. The funny thing is, what I've found is that loves me more than I’ll ever really comprehend.

Could you help send a kid to camp?

2010-05-19T22:31:00.003-05:00

Dear Friends,

Ten years ago, the Carrollton Avenue Church of Christ answered the call to serve the children of Mid-City New Orleans through Kid-City, a program providing after school tutoring to neighborhood elementary school students. In 2002 Kid-City added a reading intensive tutoring program as well as a summer art and drama camp. The summer art and drama camp allowed Kid City to keep in contact with the children and families we were already serving during the summer months as well as reach out to others in the community. Most importantly it allowed our students who struggled in school to shine in drama, art, and sports.

Though Kid-City was left with destroyed computers, ruined our classroom space, and no school supplies after Hurricane Katrina in 2005, they still managed to have a shorter camp for both returning and new students the summer after the storm Last summer, camp served over 45 children from the Mid-City and Hollygrove neighborhoods in New Orleans, representing a 35% increase from before the storm.
Participants are not charged any fees for camp attendance. For the great majority of our students, this is one of the only opportunities throughout the summer to engage in structured educational activities. Without this camp, most of our students would look to the streets of New Orleans for summertime supervision and entertainment. Kid-City camp not only offers a safe alternative, but also exposes each child to the love that their Heavenly Father has for them.

In Exodus 5, the Pharaoh becomes angry that Moses and Aaron have asked to take the Israelites away from their work. In his anger he tells the Hebrew slaves that they are required to make the same number of bricks, but that they will no longer receive straw to make them with. Many of our students face the challenge to make bricks without straw in their own lives-- tough situations that just seem to get tougher. We asked our students to think about the toughest situation they deal with—perhaps it is learning difficulties at school, being shy and afraid of new things, moving around after the storm, missing a parent they don’t get to see much, or a health issue like asthma. Below you can see pictures of bricks painted some of our campers. As you can see, they deal with issues many of us will never face.

In the past, our camp has been funded by grant proposals as well as the Carrollton Avenue Church. This year, due to the tumultuous economy, our grants have been unable to offer funding to us. We don’t want to cut the number of children we serve, and we would still like to offer the best camp possible. The cost for one camper to attend camp for three weeks is $200. Would you be willing to help send one child to camp? Perhaps your Bunco group, Sunday school class, Officemates, extended family or roommates could get together to support one child. If you can’t support financially at this time, we would ask that you pray that our ministry would continue to shine light in the dark places of New Orleans. If you are interested supporting a camper, I will gladly send you a picture of the camper you are supporting, along with a brief biography of how they came to Kid-City and how they would be benefit by attending this camp. Please don’t hesitate to email me at msw04c@acu.edu. Thanks for taking the time to read this note and please consider passing this information on to others who might be in a position to help.
Love you all!
Shannon

Checks can be made out to Mid-City Ministries or the Carrollton Avenue Church of Christ (Kid-City Camp in the memo line). The address of the church is listed below.

Carrollton Avenue Church of Christ
Attn: MidCity Ministries
4536 South Carrollton Ave.
New Orleans, LA 70119

Graduation by numbers

2010-05-17T23:32:00.003-05:00

The picture to the left was a secret this week on postsecret. While, the secret was not mine, it may as well have been. I graduated 10 days ago with my masters degree. In those 10 days I: shook 7 hands as I walked 10 paces across the graduation stage (without tripping!); packed 6 years into 39 boxes onto a 17 foot Penske truck; drove 800 miles; said about 1,000 goodbyes; cried about 1,000,000 tears; applied for 13 jobs; and read 0 pages (well newspapers, magazines, and the Bible don't count).

While I feel kind of overwhelmed about the transition I am currently in (I just finished my Exit Loan counseling that tells me what happens if I don't pay my student loans back.. YIKES!), a woman at church on Sunday reminded me of something important. She was asking me about applying and all that kind of stuff, I was telling her all of my strategies for looking for jobs and going on and on about everything I could do to try to find something. At the end of our conversation she said something to the effect of "Well, I'm sure you already are, but don't forget to pray about it. God will send you a job."

A year ago I spent my summer telling 45 kids about Moses. I taught them about how God makes a way for us, that He has plans for us, that He cares about our suffering, and that He sends us friends to help us complete the jobs he's laid out for us. The thing is, I am absolutely certain that its all true. I wish I could explain it better, but I know that God does care about those kids, and when things are unfair He is concerned about their suffering. I am sure that he has given them a job to do- that they probably think is crazy. I know that he will send them their Aaron to help them along, and I know he will make a way for them when it seems like there isn't a way- just like he parted the waters of the Red Sea.

That said, I am also sure that God has been preparing me for something. The past 5 years I have been grown and stretched in ways I never would have expected. So I'm sure that my dear sister was right, God will send me a job. In some ways, he already has. Anyways, with the exception of missing my Abilene friends, my life mostly excellent and God is taking care of me, and I am so thankful for that.

Where's the good in goodbye?

2010-05-14T23:38:00.003-05:00

I hate saying goodbye. I can't stop crying. I keep doing that thing where you cry really hard, then you stop, then you start again because you just can't help it. It's so embarassing, and my face kind of looks like a punching bag. I am certain that in just a little while I will be saying a lot of hellos that feel really good, but it that thought doesn't make me feel any less sad. I can't even finish this post because I'm too busy blubbering. Ugh. I. Hate. This.

I really should quit complaining though. The Lord has blessed me with wonderful friends here, without whom I would not be the woman I am today. The fact that I'm so sad really bears witness to the rich life I lead. But I still can't stop crying.

Henri Nouwen once said something to the effect of "Much of prayer if greif." Tonight I'm counting on that, and repeating this to myself: May the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.- Phil 4:7

Spiritual mentors (part 2)

2010-05-12T16:57:00.003-05:00

These are my friends Kirk and Jenny. Kirk is the preaching minister at my home church in New Orleans and Jenny is his sweet wife. Kirk started working with our church several years before the storm when we were looking for a new minister. Kirk wasn't interested in the position at the time as his kids were in H.S. and he didn't want to move them, but he would periodically come and preach adn take care of preacher-ish things at the church. We finally hired someone who was there for about a year before the hurricane. That family was unable to return to Carrollton after the storm, and Kirk and his wife Jenny made the decision to move to New Orleans after their youngest son graduated. For quite a while Kirk drove back and forth between Abilene and New Orleans (which is quite a trip) to make the transition, until finally, his son graduated and he and his wife were able to move to New Orleans! Kirk and Jenny didn't buy a big house in the suburbs, they bought a smaller (but infintiely more fun) house in the heart of the city. Once in New Orleans they embraced the culture in a way I have never seen another one of Carrollton's minister do. They went to Jazz fest and Mardi Gras, they walked the Cresent City classic, they listened to jazz, they ate crawfish and shrimp and even buy their oysters by the sack. Even more importantly, they embraced the Carrollton family as thier own right away.

I could go on and on about how thier life has been such a testimony to me, however, I want to tell you about my relationship with them specifically. Like I said above, Kirk and Jenny were living in Abilene in the months after the storm and were of great support to me. I always knew that I could go to thier house if I needed something. My mom was particularly nervous about telling me about the loss of our family pet after the storm so she called Jenny, who came to the dorm that night to tell me about it in person. After they moved to New Orleans, Kirk and Jenny had a series of extreme challenges in thier family. However, they were and are faithful to the end. In light of everything that's happened to them, and to their Carrollton family they always find a reason to be full of joy. And they have served to guide me in times of struggle or when I just didn't know what to do or how to handle what was in front of me. Kirk especially, as I worked at the church with him, has served to help me learn some of the hard lessons one has to learn when becoming an adult. Throughout my many blunders working with him, he never gets angry or makes me feel stupid for my misguided ways, but he always tells it exactly like it is. :-)

In short, Kirk and Jenny are the greatest example I know of what it means to walk by faith and not by sight. Thanks for you love and encouragement!

Spiritual mentors (part 1)

2010-05-12T00:05:00.003-05:00

My friend Vann blogged a few months ago about spiritual mentors. He pointed out that there are people in our lives who see more in us than we see in ourselves. These people often help us learn things that turn out to be pretty critical points for us to become the person God has intended for us to be. I have been incredibly blessed with lots of spiritual mentors over the years. Personally, I think it's because I need more guidance than most... At any rate, I've been meaning to blog about these mentors, in part out of my need to reflect and in part to encourage you to think about and thank your own spiritual mentors or find one if you don't have one.

To start, I only thought it fitting to tell you all about my friend Vann. He and I really got to know each other after the Hurricane when the Southern Hills Church in Abilene began partnering with the Carrollton Ave. Church in New Orleans. Since then, he has been a constant source of support for me. I have had the privilege of leading some mission trips where Vann served as a mentor and support, and then 2 years ago we began meeting with some other campus ministry leaders for what we now call "family time."

Over the past 5 years Vann has shown me what it means to be gracious to others without compromising your stance on biblical truths. He doesn't back down on what he thinks is right, but he treats everyone with decency and respect--even when he thinks they're wrong. In my time being his friend, I feel that he has cultivated a gentleness in me that was not there before I was friends with him because he is always finding ways to encourage others. Vann teaches me that it's ok to think outside the box. He knows that questions are more important than answers. But, the best thing that has come out of my friendship with Vann, is that he saw a leader in me when I didn't see one in myself. And by the grace of God, somehow people in Abilene now know and love their brothers and sisters at Carrollton Avenue because Vann empowered me to share what was in my heart. I still don't know how that happened, but I am certain that if I didn't know Vann I wouldn't have been able to share my love for New Orleans in the same capacity.

Thanks Vann for helping me be more like Jesus!

You can call me Master Shannon...

2010-05-10T17:04:00.005-05:00

On Saturday I graduated. It was wonderful. My lovely parents came into town for the event, and to help me move all of my stuff back to Louisiana. My parents had a great time, mostly because they just love ACU. They never went to school here, but I guess they're pretty pleased with my college and graduate school experience.

On Sunday, several of my friends came over to help me and my dad load the truck. My friend Brent, who is apparently very, very strong and can carry not one but 2 boxes of textbooks at a time (but would NEVER brag about it... haha), asked me if I knew everything in all of my books. As it turns out, the answer is an astounding NO. Which is why I have to lug all those books around with me back to Louisiana.

But his question got me thinking about what I really learned in the past 2 years of graduate school. So here it is, what I learned in graduate school:

1. I know a lot, but I have to be confident in that fact to make any difference to anyone. No one wants to see a therapist who second guesses themselves all the time. So when I feel myself starting to question my abilities, I have to remind myself of all that I've accomplished in the past two years. Whenever you learn something, learn it well enough to know that you know it for sure, without question.

2. I don't and can't know everything, but I have to be non-defensive enough to admit it and ask for help or refer the client out. When there's something you don't know, you can go find out, ask for help, or lie about it. The first two require more work and less pride, but in the end you'll have done the right thing.

3. Everyone has a story worth hearing. We don't often take the time to listen, but when you do you'll learn what compassion is. Pain makes people do all kinds of weird things. I had one client who told me about cheating on his wife then using their whole savings buying drugs. He said that he could tell that I would never do anything like that. I told him "That's what you did with your pain, I do something different with mine." And that's the truth.

4. 'Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as if serving the Lord, not men.' Col 3:17 I have admitted many times on this blog my struggle comparing myself to others. So initially, in graduate school I was constantly trying to distinguish myself as "smarter" than everyone else. However, as learned lesson number 2 on this list, I learned that if I was going to accomplish anything in life I needed more motivation than that. There will always be someone prettier, better, smarter and faster than I. But when I started focusing on working harder instead of being smarter, my life improved greatly.

5. Graduate school is an excellent time to learn and embrace your own neuroses. For example, I make lists like you wouldn't believe, because there is something oddly satisfying about crossing things off a list. Also, I am introverted. After a long day at school with lots of complainer students and crying clients I have to have 15 minutes alone, which I usually spend washing dishes.

6. Learn people's names. Everyone is impressed when you remember their name. Everyone is put off when you don't remember it. Find some way to learn people's names, and then call them by their name.

7. I need the church. During graduate school it would have been so easy to be so focused on myself and my work and forget about the rest of the universe. But the church keeps me grounded. Being involved in ministry helps me remember what God has done for me and what my place in the kingdom is and I like that. I think that's why God gave us the church in the first place.

8. I choose my attitude. So when I have a bad one, there's no one to blame but myself.

9. Life goes on. Sometimes things will happen and it seems so horrible, like the world will stop turning or something. But it never does, even when it feels like it should. Sometimes, I have to remind my clients of that. Sometimes, I have to remind myself off that.

10. At the end of the day, all I really want to do is help people. I know that sounds cheesy, but truly, that's all I want. Earlier this semester I had an amazing moment where God totally revealed this desire of my heart to me in a crazy tearfully convicted way. When I find myself stressed about how much work I have to do or the uncertainty of my future, I cling to this reality. I imagine I will all of my days. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of the things that seem so obvious.

2010-04-30T00:06:00.004-05:00

"You’re gonna make a great wife one day.”

I can still smell the hydrochloric acid I was swirling in my beaker where I stood titrating in the chemistry lab when I heard those words from a boy in my class. I was a freshman in college, and Wes was a junior. We were in the same chemistry lab, and both of our lab partners were absent that day. It was fate.

I stood there speechless for at least 5 minutes. If I remember right we messed up the titration and had to start over.

Today, I have no idea where Wesley is (come to think of it, I don't even remember his last name...). While the modern, urban woman in me can easily scoff at the blatant, misogynistic quality of a boy telling me I’d make a good wife, the 17-year-old girl in me still turns a little red in the face.

Six years later, his prediction has yet to be tested. At 23, I’m still very much single. But I’m not the only one.

Tonight me and my brilliant friend Jane had a long talk on the way to our end of the year dinner. We were discussing things we have been learning about ourselves and we both realized that God has been showing us what healthy relationships really are, and how we have a role in getting there.

I told her how I didn't realize how afraid I was of getting divorced until I sat through a presentation about it in my family life cycle class. I told Jane about how I have several acquaintances whose engagements, and marriages have recently come to an end, and being that hurt terrifies me. Jane, who is one of the wisest and most beautiful (inside and out) women I know, told me that to be loved, is to take a risk. We went on to talk about how independent we are and how needing others is an unfamiliar feeling.

But this isn't just me and Jane. It would seem that marriage has been places on my generation's collective back burner. Individual success seems more concerned with their individual professional development, rather than their emotional achievement. And what fickle things emotions are.

I have always considered myself a pretty loving person. But, after several recent interactions with others, I am realizing that my heart is not always open to being loved in return. Perhaps this is because I am just now beginning to learn how to accept God's love for me in spite of all my flaws. Perhaps it is because I have been hurt by other relationships.

Wading through my share of emotional carnage, I find myself admitting how much I really do need all the people in my life that love me. My parents, professors, friends, mentors and roommates who love me teach me what it means to live a life like Jesus would. As for Wesley's comment, I'm not so sure I would make a good wife. Like I said, I'm still learning how to be loved, and how to quit being so selfish. John the Apostle wrote, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.” May the Lord continue to teach me (and Jane and all the others like us...) sacrifice and perseverance when it comes to loving and being loved in return.

The prayer of a righteous woman is...

2010-04-26T23:55:00.005-05:00

Praying used to make me anxious. I thought that I had to pray "the right way." I was always worried about what to pray for, or what order i should pray about things. I've read about "formulas" of prayer that please God the most, or a list of what a "complete" prayer contained. In short, I made prayer into a spiritual performance, something I had to get just right to gain favor in the eyes of the Father.

So, it comes as no surprise, I began to hate praying. I always felt so stupid when I was doing it. When I was praying with others (like in my lifegroup or with a friend), prayer made sense. But when I was alone prayer felt silly, like I was just making noise. Once again, viewing prayer as something that could get me into God's good graces, I felt even worse because prayer seemed to be such a good thing for so many people, and I just wasn't getting it.

In the past couple of months, however, I have realized how prideful I was being. What was I thinking, that God was laying on a cloud taking copious notes of what I was saying while I prayed? If I told God to do the wrong thing, would everything just fall apart? If I said the wrong thing would it make God angry at me so that he would hold it against me later? Surely not!

Now I find myself praying more often and at strange times. My feelings of stupidity have mostly been replaced with hope. I have cried less out of despair and more out of conviction. Part of me still wonders if I am getting it wrong- you know if there really is some magical balance of praise, thanksgiving, intercession and whatever those other components are... (btw, what is the difference b/t praise and thanksgiving?)But then I am reminded that God never said He wanted me to pray the "right way," He simply said he would be there to listen to the prayers I didn't even know were in my heart.

So tonight I'm thanking (or praising... haha) God for all the prayers in my heart that he's listening to at this very moment, that I don't have to find the right words to say, and that He is always working in the lives of his children whether I know what to say or not.

For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.
Romans 8:22-27

Subtle Sexism and the Church

2010-04-12T23:22:00.007-05:00

So, for the past several months, I have been talking (and whining) about my thesis. I pick up my manuscript from the mechanical reviewer tomorrow, and thought it only fitting that I share my research with all five of you who read this blog. Just as warning, I wrote approximately 70 pages on this subject, so this is a abbreviated version of the theoretical framework and basic findings of the study, along with the implication of the results, and some personal reflection at the very end.

Initially, when I was looking for a topic for my thesis I was very tentative and noncommittal about my topic. I sort of fell into the literature on sexism, and the natural hole to be filled had to do with exploring the religious correlates of sexism. As it turns out, I greatly enjoyed the project, even if it did steal quite a few nights sleep from me.

Basically, for the past several decades social scientists have been preoccupied with the gender inequality that remains despite recent gains women have made in society. Ambivalent Sexism Theory (Glick & Fiske, 1996) suggests that there is a dichotomy of sexist attitudes toward women; on one hand women are often degraded and belittled by men, but on the other hand they are often placed on a pedestal. These two opposing attitudes create an ambivalent brand of sexism that can sometimes be difficult to identify. The two basic types of sexism under this theory are hostile sexism, or sexism that fits the classic definition of prejudice, and benevolent sexism, a set of attitudes that serve to hold women in restricted stereotypical roles that are subjectively positive in tone (Glick and Fiske, 1996).

No discussion of prejudice would be complete without including Gordon Allport, famous for providing the first theoretical framework of prejudice in his 1954 book, The Nature of Prejudice. Allport (1954) argues that when the religious defend the absolutes of their faith, they tend to defend their in-group as a whole, using their faith as justification for the secular practices of the in-group. This is illustrated by the way that the church has equated Godly ideals with benevolently sexist ideals. This phenomenon still remains puzzling as religion clearly maintains a sense of brotherly love and acceptance, and yet there is something about religion that lends itself to bigotry. In The Religious Context of Prejudice Allport (1966) proposes that there are three main religious contexts that contain the seeds of bigotry: the theological context, or crucial doctrines that influence the way the religious interact with minority groups; the socio-cultural context,or social factors that predispose the religious to prejudice ; and the personal-psychological context, or some individual psychological factors that influence the religious individual’s inclination for prejudice.

While there is a body of research about benevolent sexism, there is very little examining religious correlates of benevolent sexism. The purpose of this study was to apply Gordon Allport’s theory of religious prejudice to explain benevolent sexism among a religious population.

172 undergraduate volunteers were asked to complete an assessment battery of tests designed to measure both hostile and benevolent sexism as well as the 3 Allport constructs. Essentially, what we found was that Allpot's theory was partly true for sexism. Specifically, as expected, how conservatively you read Scriptural had a significant relationship with benevolent sexism, but not with hostile sexism. Additionally, those who had a less egalitarian view of scripture rated higher on both hostile and benevolent sexism. As expected, there was a positive relationship between Agency (a psychological variable that measures assertiveness and power) and both hostile and benevolent sexism. However, no significant relationship between Socio-cultural ratings and hostile or benevolent sexism was observed. In sum, of the three Allport contexts of religious prejudice, theological beliefs and personality had a significant relationship with sexism.

Here's why this is interesting:

The findings of the study indicated that those who had a less egalitarian and more patriarchal interpretation of Pauline passages about women were more likely to also endorse hostile and benevolently sexist attitudes and behaviors. Essentially, this relationship could be illustrating one of two, likely reinforcing, dynamics: the way people read the Bible influences the way they think about others, or the way people think about others influences the way they read the Bible. Generally, Biblical influence on the treatment of others is considered to be a positive trait by the Christian community. However, it is important to realize that the way scripture is read might serve to reinforce prejudicial attitudes and beliefs. Understanding that interpretation of Scripture plays such a central role in developing attitudes and beliefs among Christians, church leaders ought to think very seriously how they teach difficult passages that could inform prejudicial beliefs.

Interestingly, reading Scripture literally had a relationship with benevolent sexism, but not hostile sexism. This finding indicates that while Christians who have a conservative reading of Scripture are not more or less likely to engage in overt prejudice against women, they are more likely to endorse benevolently sexist attitudes. Benevolent sexism on the surface expresses a very positive and affirming view of women. The trouble is, the aspects of womanhood that are praised are characteristics that keep patriarchal gender roles intact. The deceptive nature of benevolent sexism makes it very difficult to identify, and Christians who may consider themselves to be enlightened about gender issues may still be engaged in benevolent sexism.

As leaders in the church continue to try to sort out what the Bible has to say about appropriate gender roles, they must be aware of the possible secondary gain men in the church may be getting by keeping these patriarchal roles intact. Monitoring motivations in regards to the decisions that are made about women’s roles in the church will prove to be a difficult task, as sexism is generally socially unacceptable and slow to be admitted by perpetrators.

Personality also had a significant relationship with both hostile and benevolent sexism. This relationship may partially explain why those who subscribe to sexist ideologies feel justified in their prejudicial beliefs, as personality is often determined very early in life. Because this issue is so heavily influenced by variables that are generally more fixed than fluid, Biblical interpretation and personality, individuals who go about challenging current gender roles will face a great deal of resistance and if change occurs, it will come very slowly.

On a personal note, these are confusing issues. Many Christian women that I know willingly embrace chivalry. They want to have men to materially provide and to open doors for them. They want to be rescued and cared for. Are these women being duped? Am I? Since I started writing my thesis I have found myself second guessing so many of my relationships. There are ways I thought I wanted to be treated by men that now I'm not so sure about, some men in my life who I realized didn't respect me as much as I thought, and girlfriends who have indeed been duped. Sometimes I wonder how much we've all been. However, the more I read in the Bible and in the literature, the more I feel certain that God’s justice and mercy are in the middle of it all. What I mean is, the God we serve is a God of justice who wants women to be treated fairly. He is also a God of mercy, who loves us even though we get it wrong, and will walk along side us to help make it right.

And yet, I find myself angry about the church's failure to refuse to tolerate or propagate the cultural abuse of women. It grieves me that women in the church are clearly being disenfranchised. When I think about so many of the Godly women in my life, the girls on my halls in the dorms, and the little girls I teach in Sunday school, I think about how gifted and willing to serve they are and yet may never be allowed to have the freedom to use their teaching and leadership abilities in the way that men can. In some ways I think we (women) have changed who we are to fit into the church community. I only pray that if I ever get married and have a daughter she won't have to change who she is to fit the church's mold- there are far too many other pressures working to compromise women’s identity, the church certainly ought not be one of them.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!

Changing Seasons

2010-04-04T22:23:00.003-05:00

Ecclesiastes 3:1- 12

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.

Lately, I feel like everything is changing and I can barely keep up. I picked up my graduation announcements, yet another reminder that in just about a month my life is going to be very different. I am excited, and nervous, and a little scared that things are going to sneak up on me (and by things, I mean very strong feelings of sadness... haha). But there is indeed a time for everything. Tomorrow I defend my thesis and take my oral comps, and then its a few more papers and projects and of course clients to see until I'm done here. I keep reminding my self that I have choice: I can freak out and cry and worry about the future, or I can "be happy and do good." So here's what's been making me happy lately:

- I teach Nepali refugee children on Wednesday nights. We usually focus on learning about American customs. For example, at Valentine's Day we talked about giving valentine's to friends, and why it would look like pink and red threw up on their schools. At St. Patrick's day we talked about why you wear green and how to avoid getting pinched. Well today was Easter, and I knew they were going to an Easter egg hunt, so we talked about how to politely go and find plastic eggs filled with treats that would be hidden in a yard. After discussing this for a good 10 minutes, on of the boys asked me an interesting question: "Do we need a gun?" You see, when he hears his sweet West Texas friends at school talking about "hunting" he hears them talk about shooting deer in the woods... so he was envisioning hunting live eggs with guns in the woods. After I stopped laughing, I gently told him not bring a firearm to the church easter egg hunt. Apparently we still have a ways to go...
- There were 5 baptisms this week at So Hills, all Nepali refugees, even one boy from my class. I was so proud of them, and I'm excited about what God is doing there.
- I just watched Sister Act 2. It's my feel good movie for when I'm stressed out. Even though I can't stop thinking about this thesis defense in the morning, I can at least get a little joy out of the musical nuns!

Busy, Busy, Busy

2010-03-26T15:30:00.002-06:00

Spring Break was great. It was good to reminded of the faithfulness of God. I am finally realizing that my time in Abilene is coming to a close. Of course, I am sad to leave. I keep finding myself lingering longer in my professors offices, hugging my friends a little tighter and wanting to get all the advice I can. But just as I am sad to leave, I'm exicted to go back to New Orleans. I know it will be a big change, and getting a job there scares me a bit. But I just know in my heart that's where I need to be. The past week has been spent doing school work like crazy and trying to keep up with all my regular commitments of practicum, class work, and the like. I turned in my final thesis draft for review by my chair. I defend in a week's time. I bought my cap and gown for graduation. It's funny how things are always changing. Right now especially I feel like everything in my life- my relationships, my day to day routine, where I live- is about to be flipped upside down. And yet I am reminded of God's faithfulness. He walks with me in all things, gently calming my anxious heart. Now it's Friday night, and there's still no time for fun-- but I have my Chinese food, reality television, and lots and lots of homework to enoy. So I leave you with a few pictures from my time in NOLA:

Spring Break and the living is easy...

2010-03-17T08:34:00.002-06:00

Man, I love being home. I really love helping other people fall in love with this wonderful city, and amazing church. This week so far our SBC team has:
- leveled a playground for the church with sand and concrete
- assembled a geodome jungle gym thing for said playground
- tutored 17 2nd, 3rd, and 4th graders
- compiled a master list of social services in the area for the ministry staff to use for referrals
- helped 2 inner city schools give more of thier students one-on-one help with reading and math
- waited in line for beignets
- eaten crawfush (I even got a few of them to suck the heads! haha)

and there's only more worship to come in the next couple of days. What bliss.

2010-03-10T20:31:00.000-06:00

I keep starting posts and not having the time to come back and finish/polish them. That's right people, I actually put a little bit of thought into what I post... surprising isn't it? :-) I'm crazy busy and I feel like my head is spinning a bit.

However, I had a big revelation in my life this week. For almost 5 years I have been praying that my heart would be at peace. Since the storm, I have always thought that I might never be able to move on- that I would always hate what happened so much that my heart would continually be grieved. When giving my testimony at the Fall Retreat our campus ministry puts on I think I even said that if I could I would make the storm never happen becuase I simply couldn't understand what good could ever come out of such pain.

Last night driving home from church and praying in my car I realized, for the first time since the storm, I feel at peace. I still hate the hurricane. I still have a thousand questions in my heart. I still don't know but I can finally give thanks to God for good things that have come out of the storm without a bitter heart. I feel like I finally know what it means to have a loving relationship with God.

I always thought that there would be some distinct marker for me, that some precipitating event would finally give me peace. But, truthfully, it kind of snuck up on me. I think it might be partly due to the bible study I'm doing this semester, and partly due to the time I'm spending this semester as a therapist, and in part because I learned to redefine what peace means to me, and in part to my relationships to my mentors...

When I try to explain how I got here, the only answer that really makes any sense is this: In his great mercy, God gives me his Spirit to protect and to mend my broken heart. Over time he takes out the rocky parts and replaces them with fleshy ones. He soothes bitterness and anguish when I'm not paying attention. He sends me small reminders that all is never lost and that after everything, I'm ok-- I'm still staniding. Most of all, He sends his son to die so that I wouldn't have to be chained to anything (grief about the storm, comparing myself to others, being a people pleaser, worry about the future...).

"If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."John 8:36
Praise Him

Prejudice in the kingdom of Heaven

2010-03-02T20:42:00.004-06:00

My friend/mentor/thesis chair Dr. Beck recently posted about Tim Wise's visit to ACU. Tim Wise is a writer/speaker who has dedicated his life work to uprooting institutional racism, a term coined by Stokely Carmichael in the 1960s describing the societal patterns that have the net effect of imposing oppressive or otherwise negative conditions against identifiable groups on the basis of race. Right now as I'm writing this Wise is speaking in Moody Coliseum about white privilege. Apparently the visit had a variety of responses from faculty around campus as ACU has both conservative (b/c we are a private Christian institution in TX) and liberal (b/c we are an academic university) faculty. Dr. Beck writes a great post about the problem having both of these groups on campus presents, and it would seem he is following with a series of posts about Tim Wise's visit to ACU or the basic tenants of his arguments about race in America.

Dr. Beck's post got me thinking about what God has to say of this idea of institutional racism (or sexism, or any kind of assuming one group is better than the other belief). At a place like ACU where professors are required to profess Christianity and be an active member of a church, how does the university stop participating in such institutional discrimination and how do they teach their students to disengage from the process as well? As it is now, we have tried to fit all kinds of very complex realities (about racism, sexism, salvation,social justice, ect.) into the very simplistic models of liberalism and conservatism. What's worse is that we often use God to defend our position as the "right" one.

I understand that it is a constant struggle for majority groups to give up their elevated positions. Research shows that we engage in psychological processes that justify our high status and their low status to the point that we can even manipulate low status groups to keep themselves at the status they find themselves in. This idea is called system justification. It was first introduced by Jost and Banaji in 1994. Essentially, system justification argues that people are motivated to defend and legitimize the systems in which they operate—that is, the rules and sociopolitical institutions within which people function. Research has come out since then that focuses on specific mechanisms that system justification utilizes. For example, it was found that subordinate groups may be less prone to challenge the status quo if they are regarded as superior to the dominant group on some socially desirable trait. So we say that women are warmer or more nurturing than men- an although these traits are subjectively positive in nature, they are still maintaining men in roles of power and women in roles of subordinance. Or we say that African-Americans are better athletes, or that they have more rhythm- which might seem nice (although terribly stereotypical) but still hold whites as educated and deserving authority and blacks in another position of subordinace.

This pattern of ours is so troubling because it makes buying into this discrimination so slick- it becomes difficult to identify as a victim and even harder to see as a perpetrator. It seems that this institutional prejudice is just human nature. However, as Christians we are called to resist the temptation to put ourselves first:
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Phil 2:3-4
I find myself looking for ways to resist the temptation to give into privileged existence, especially in regard to my place in the kingdom. The very idea that I belong there and others don't is , like I said before, so slick... and yet so unGodly. And so I embark on the constant battle it seems we humans face: learning work a little less as getting ahead and a little more at putting myself in last place.

Lazy snow day

2010-02-23T12:38:00.006-06:00

Today we got another snow day here in good old Abilene. I love the snow, it's so peaceful. I love sleeping in. I love catching up on hoework. I love wrapping up with blankets and hot chocolate. And I got make homemade beignets with my Robyn. Here are some pictures:

Sacrificial love

2010-02-18T22:33:00.003-06:00

Yesterday marked the begining of the Lenten season. Growing up in a largely Catholic city, I'm used to people asking "What are you giving up for Lent?" Origionally, the purpose of Lent was to prepare the believer — through prayer, penitence, almsgiving and self-denial — to remember the death of Jesus on Good Friday, and celebrate his ressurection on Easter Sunday. Today, Christians who participate in Lent choose a vice to give up for a the forty days period. People often give up things like candy, excessive shopping, or cold drinks.

The religious tradition I am a part of does not ussually observe Lent. However, as a young girl, ALL of my freinds were Catholic. And since I have always had such a high need for others to like me... I observed it as well (at least during school hours). Over the years I have given things up cold drinks, television, and sweets.

Looking back, I realize now that I turned Lent, a time which is intended to draw us near to God, into being all about me. I chose to give up things for my own benefit, rather than out of my love for God. For example, my freshman year of college I gave up fast food. I would love to say that forty days brought me closer to God- but that was never really my motivation. I was a poor college girl who wanted to save money and shed a few pounds. My senior year of H.S. I gave up television. Again, not out of love for God, but to more time to do homework. What's worse is how much I boasted about my self-sacrafice to others. As much as it pains me to admit it, I took so much pride in giving up something "harder" than my friends. Ugh. I am so annoyed at myself just writing that out!

This year my approach to Lent is different. For one, I resolved to not ask others what they are giving up and to stay quiet when those conversations arise around me to resist the temptation to compare myself to others. Furthermore, I am commited to making Lent about God, not about me. My prayer lately has constantly been from Ezekial 36: Give me a new heart and put a new spirit in me; take away my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. When I think about what Christ would really call me to give up, I have a funny feeling it wouldn't be chocolate. It probably something more like pride. Or approval. Or success. Or everything...God doesn't so much want my time or my money or my works - He wants me. He wants you.

Blessings to you on your season of Lent. May you find yourself overwhelmed by God's great love for you, and the sacrifice of his son.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 1 John 3:16

Why I love Valentine's Day

2010-02-13T13:31:00.003-06:00

Valentine's day is my favorite holiday. Some people like Christmas best, but I always feel really stressed out about all the gift buying and traveling, cooking, baking, and finding the perfect tacky yet somehow still figure flattering sweater to wear to the church party... But I digress. I love Valentine's Day. I love all the ridiculous pink and purple and red. I love the candy and flowers. I love that there are hearts everywhere. I love it all.

Here's the problem: Almost everyone I know hates Valentine's Day. I, of course, completely understand where the cynical "I refuse to wear anything but black on Single's Awareness Day" crowd is coming from. Many of my friends feel so alone because they aren't in a romantic relationship. Admittedly, this time can make it seems like everyone in the whole wide world is happy and in love except you.

Others I know take issue with the day for different reasons. They say that couples have unrealistic expectations of each other. They say that people put some much pressure on the day that everyone is just stressed out from trying to force a romantic moment. I understand this point of view too. However, as I have said before, real love is about sacrifice. And in our relationships when we feel ourselves keeping score, wanting recognition, or placing our needs above the needs of other we need to go back to reciting "Love is patient, love is kind..."

When I think about Valentine's Day I think back to elementary school. Valentine's Day was the best day of the year. Everyone got to decorate their "mail box" (usually a white paper sack) to receive notes from their friends. People walked a little taller and were just a little friendlier. People said please and thank you when they were supposed to. You made cards for your mom and dad and teachers. Time seemed to stop for the afternoon so everyone could simply be nice to each other.

Now I'm no fool. Since I'm no longer in 3rd grade, Valentine's Day carries this pressure with it to have a boy knocking on my door with an over-sized stuffed animal and flowers that he probably paid way too much for. The truth is, I have never had a date on February 14th, and yet I still love the day. Why?

It's simple:

- For some reason, we have trouble telling the people that we care about the truth about how much we really do care about them on a regular basis. Valentine's is a day where everyone can tell the people they love why they love them. In my own experience, we simply don't do this enough (or when you do the other person thinks you are a little off your rocker...). For example, I love my roommate Robyn. I tell her so on a pretty regular basis. However, on Valentine's Day I take the time to tell her that I love her because she is such a loyal friend, and because she is always encouraging others, and because she is incredibly honest, and because she talks like a Yiddish grandmother... I think you get the point. I find myself thankful for my friends and family who help to make my life so rich.

- Whenever I think about love, I can't help but think about the amazing love that God has for all of us. The love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always endures whatever comes. The love that sacrifices. The love that gives life to those who deserve death. The love too high and wide and long and deep to be grasped. The love that changes everything.

Somehow Satan has gotten so many of us to focus the one thing we don't have (a boy/girl friend) and forget about all the love we do have. So tomorrow think outside the Valentine's box and find some way to share God's amazing love with your elderly neighbor,the postman that goes out of his way to bring you your mail, your favorite teacher, your roommates who never complain about how long you take in the shower, or anyone who made a difference in your life with their affection and support.

Happy Valentine's Day!
"Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God." Eph 5:1-2

"You're my son, whom I love..."

2010-02-06T23:34:00.003-06:00

This semester I am helping lead a women's chapel at ACU that is about learning to see yourself and others the way that God does. This week I have been reflecting on where this distorted image came from in the first place. Why do people (and especially Christians) compare themselves to others, spend all kinds of time and money on outward appearances, look to others for affirmation/value/worth/satisfaction?

When I look at the Bible I can easily see a couple of things: (1) God does, has and will always love ME, (2) God does, has and always will love YOU (whoever and where ever you are), (3) God wants me to love HIM, and (4) God wants me to love YOU (again, whoever and where ever you are). If you read this blog or know me, you know I'm not very sure of much when it comes to the Bible. However, I am certain of those four things. And yet I find myself constantly battling self-doubt and judgment.

But, since the beginning of time the Evil One has been filling us with this doubt that God loves us and knows/wants what is best for us. In Genesis 3 the serpent says to Eve "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'? You will not surely die! God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

Satan always seems to know just how to get to us. After Jesus was baptized the Heaven's opened up and God said to Jesus "You my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased." Immediately following this encounter (at least in the Book of Matthew...) Jesus goes to the desert to be tempted. Satan tempts Jesus in several ways. He says things like "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread" and "If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down." "If you are the son of God" vs. "You are my son, whom I love." Some say that the first temptation of Jesus was food, but I think Satan is really testing his identity.

And isn't that what Satan does to us everyday? So we find ourselves looking at how we look in others eyes rather than in the eyes of the father. Judging ourselves and others by outward appearances rather than by the heart. Seeking to please men rather than seeking to please God. Convinced that if we were more popular/ prettier/ in a relationship/ running a marathon (btw when did this become the next big thing? haha)/ making better grades/ had more money than we would finally fill that empty feeling we always seem to have. Man, I hate that guy (Satan, I mean).

The only way to contradict lies is with truth. And, the truth is:

"I am fearfully and wonderfully made" Psalm 139 "The Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1 Sam 16 "See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." 1 John 3 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Gen 1 "You are altogether beautiful; there is no flaw in you." Song of Solomon 4 God's love is "wide and long and high and deep...and this love surpasses knowledge —so that we may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Eph 3

Billboard God

2010-02-01T15:59:00.002-06:00

Growing up in New Orleans I was somewhat unexposed to many things that Christian culture has seemed to make common place these days. For example, you know if you see someone walking in the French Quarter wearing a T shirt that says something along the lines of "A blood donor saved my life" with a cross, they're a tourist. I saw the occasional magnetic fish for the car bumper, but my experience of this kind of Christian propaganda was pretty limited.

Then I moved to Texas.

Abilene, Texas.

While I'm sure I had seen them at some point in my life before this transition, one of the things that I still can't get used to is the Christian billboard. We've all seen them. “JESUS SAVES” painted in large red letters. The infamous "Keep Christ in Christmas." My personal (least) favorites: The large black billboards with sarcastic/witty comments to the sinners of the world signed -God. The "God" billboards say things like "We need to talk," "Don't make me come down there," and "If you're going to curse, use your own name."

I wonder if anyone ever decided to follow Jesus after seeing one of these giant, roadside testimonies. I mean, there’s not much there. I wondered about what might go through a person’s mind after glimpsing one of these monuments. "JESUS SAVES" True, but how? And from what? And what difference should it make to me? It just didn’t seem like drive-by evangelism was the way to go.

I mean how many people are out there saying things like this:

“If only I’d seen a bumper sticker with some Christian catch phrase like ‘Real Men Love Jesus’, ‘My Boss Is a Jewish Carpenter’ or 'WARNING: In case of rapture this car will be unmanned' years earlier, I might not have made so many mistakes with my life.”

These God billboards grate on my spirit for two reasons: (1) I'm pretty sure that God isn't sarcastic, at least not about the fact that His greatest desire is for us to love him and love others. (2)When I look at the life of Jesus I am struck by the fact that he didn’t oversimplify things when it came to the truth. He talked with people, He wanted to find out who they were. With the Samaritan woman, He discussed living water; with the Ethiopian Eunich, the need to be born again. He asked the rich young ruler to give up everything had. Jesus didn’t proclaim a pre-packaged good news that could be reproduced in every culture and speak to every person’s heart.

Guess what? 2,000 years later this hasn't changed a bit. God still wants to talk with those who desire to know Him. He knows our greatest strengths and our greatest struggles. He knows the right and the wrong we commit. He sees the best and the worst parts of us -- and yet He still loves us.

If that's not good news, I don't what is.

2010-01-26T15:08:00.005-06:00

Today felt long. For the past 6 months or so I have been seeing clients in therapy. I don't post about this for obvious ethical reasons. However, this morning I was reflecting about what my role as a therapist really is. I wish I could tell you I came up with something brilliant, but alas, I did not. I continued on to face my day to day tasks. I worked, I counseled, I wrote case notes, I did homework, I gave a presentation. I just dawned on me, as I have been reading up on some research for a therapy case of mine, that the way I get through a therapy session is much like the way I get through my own life:

I hope.

I hope with and for my friends and clients. I hope for the suffering people in Haiti whom I've never met. I hope for the church. I hope for the lost. I hope for my family. I hope for my roommates. I hope for my professors and I hope for my students. I hope for my classmates. I hope for the addicts and alcoholics I just met at the AA meeting I sat in on tonight. I hope for the kids I work with in the summer. I hope for myself. I just always hope.

A few years ago, I wasn't sure I know what it meant to hope. I thought that hope was a verb that required a direct object. Typically when the world talks about hope they say things like "I hope that you feel better soon" "I hope that God will bring you peace" "I hope that you will do the right thing" "I hope that everything works out" "I hope that..." I felt as if hope was something people had because they didn't know what else to do, and they were too afraid to admit the alternitive- that someone might not feel better, or that they might not ever get peace, or do the right thing, and that things might not work out alright in the end. But what I know now is that hope doesn't need a direct object. God, in his great love for us, sent his only Son to set us free from the sin that imprisons us and rescue us from the terrible things that sometimes happen in life. When I finally decided to really beleive in that love of the Father, I was flooded with hope. I hope because I know that with God all things are possible. With God people stuck in sin can be set free, tragedy can be overcome, doubt can be quieted, broken relationships can be healed, and broken hearts can be made new again. You see, hope is flexible. It redefines itself to fit the immediate parameters and needs of any situation. Once you choose hope over despair, anything is possible.

I still don't think that I've come up with any brilliant ideas about counseling... But to be honest, I'm not sure that coming up with a brilliant idea is what's really important anyways.

Micah 7:7
But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

Empty handed and out of breath

2010-01-24T23:21:00.005-06:00

This semester I am in group therapy as part of a class I'm taking. Wednesday, we had our first session and our therapist asked us to tell the group about ourselves. He said "So tell everyone about yourself. Are you married? Are you alone? Where is your life heading?" I immediately went into a mildly panicked state. "Are you alone?" I'm still not entirely sure why but those words have been playing over and over in my head since he said them.

As I couldn't seem to stop thinking about what he had said, it dawned on me that I was more afraid of being thought of by someone I respected as "alone" than actually being alone. Don't get me wrong -- being alone can be a scary feeling, especially for a girl my age. However, I genuinely believe that more and more I am getting to a place where I feel content with whatever happens. However, I HATE that the world immediately looks at me and takes pity on me. For whatever reason, I have this feeling that I will never be 'successful' or 'happy' in the eyes of my family unless I get married.

In any case, I realized that I put far too much stock in what everyone else is thinking. I spend and embarassing amount of effort trying to garner the praises and respect off men, when I ought to be trying to please God. So I decided to excersise my independence this weekend. I went to see a movie by myself on Friday night (aka date night). I used to be able to do this without flinching, but in the past year or so I have become almost paralyzed by what others think of me. And since I was certain that the world would look down on me for not having friends to go out with on a Friday night, I decided that I had to do it.

My friend Brent, recently blogged on a similar topic. He said (emphasis added):
"I remember in freshman year when someone asked me what my deepest fear was; I couldn’t exactly articulate it, but I now know that my deepest fear was irrelevancy. I hated the thought that anyone—even in church world—would ever think that I wasn’t smart or attractive or insightful or mature enough to be let in on the secrets, to be included in the inside jokes, to know the most important information about everyone."

This week I've been convicted that there is a common thread among people: we all have a deep seated fear of inadequacy. I suppose some might call it the human condition. It manifests itself a little differently from person to person. Some feel feel a constant self-doubt, others a permanent empty feeling, still others are plagued by constantly comparing themselves to those around them. The thing is, that we constantly look to things of the world like popularity, success, relationships, money, and good looks for validation, or to fill the void in our hearts, or to raise our status above those around us. And yet we always come up short. When you chase after the wind somehow you always just wind up empty handed and out of breath.

The good news is that I made it through the movie and my world didn't come crashing down. In fact, I enjoyed it. This week I think I'm going to work on making being alone not feel quite so lonely. And learning to start looking for validation, contentness, and confidence in God, and not men...

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

Long week

2010-01-16T16:39:00.003-06:00

It's been a long week:
Sunday I had a terrible stomach virus. Monday I found out the class I was registered for was cancelled months ago, but the dept never took it off banner. Tuesday I found out my only option to graduate was to take a weekend class with a somewhat crazy schedule/syllabus. Wednesday I learned the other class I registered for had a special course requirement that means that instead of my class being at the time it was scheudled from 1-4, it will be 1-2:45, 4:30-5:30. The assignment is actually very good, however, the random hour and 45 minute break in my day is not cute at all. Thursday I lost my voice just in time for the lecture I was giving to the Marriage and Family students. Nothing like a 3 hour statistics crash course from a girl who sounds like a pathetic mouse. Friday I spent 5 hours learning about new changes in our department's clinic, the new requirements I'll have to meet, and had a miniture freak out with my cohort about practicum hours/scheduling/the future.

It has been a week of sickness, bad attitudes and belligerence, and anxiety about the future (and the present for that matter). I hate having a bad attitude about things, and all week I have been struggling to find the good in all the changes going on in our dept and my course scheduling difficulties. The thing is, I feel so justified in my bad mood. My scheduling difficulties are due to other people's mistakes, the changes in the clinic were due to other people's decisions, my sickness was due to circumstance... in other words I felt like I hadn't done anything to deserve all this hardship the week has thrown my way.

I am so selfish.

Most of the time the church has been so focused on what we deem the bigger temptations when it is often the smaller, less threatening ones that eventually become so devestating. We wrap our accountability around lust and addiction: alcohol, drugs, sexuality, and the like. But we aren't very vigilant when it comes to materialism and excess. Pride and resentment. Gossip jealousy. Monitoring the words that come out of our mouths. Selfishness and greed. Negativism and divisiveness. In fact, we do a pretty good job of ignoring that these all fester inside of us. Why? Because in modern society, they’re okay.

Like I said before, I felt justified in my bad attitude this week. I felt justified when I was rude to the person who made the mistake on banner. I felt justified in my excessive worry. I felt justified when I complained profusely. I felt justified when I rolled my eyes at our clinic director. This feeling of justification is, of course, rubbish.

My selfishness reared its ugly head this week, and to be honest I'm really embarassed. I hate that I let myself carry on for so long, and even on Wednesday night at church when I finally admitted to myself that I needed to let my bad attitude go and commit my anxious thoughts to God- I still carried on a bit Thursday and Friday. Thankfully, I have some wonderful Godly friends who are really good at reminding me of whats really important.

At any rate, this week got me thinking about sin, and how we justify it. We all have weaknesses that, unchecked, eventually become sin that can destroy our lives. But this dormant sin is not some fungus that will hatch no matter how deep our cleaning. It is a seedling that grows when we water and feed it, and we give sin sustenance when we excuse and bury the little stuff in our lives. Of course, no sin is little—but culture (and certainly the Church) have minimized some while maximizing others, never acknowledging that the minimized, socially acceptable sins eventually do eternal damage.

So then the question arrives: How do we know what sin is? Any one can find a scriptural thesis either supporting or condemning their own habits if they have the time. So how do we know for certain? We know sin by what sin does. Sin separates and destroys.

Sin separates us from God and from one another. Sin separates us from peace. Sin separates us from joy. Sin destroys family, relationships, and community. Sin builds walls of hatred between cultures, denominations, political parties, races and genders. Sin convinces us that we are right and everyone else is wrong and that this distinction is more important than love. Sin numbs a heart until it no longer loves others —and eventually no longer loves God.

I find myself praying that we would start rationalizing less and loving God more.

"If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we've never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God." 1 John 1:8-10

Man of no reputation

2010-01-12T22:30:00.007-06:00

There's a famous Rich Mullins song called "Man of no reputation". The song talks about the awesomeness of Jesus' life in the midst of his humility. But I have to wonder, what does it mean to be a man (or in my case woman) of no reputation in our reputation-obsessed world? I ask myself this question as I consider how actually to live the alternative reality of God's kingdom that preachers so eloquently describe. We like vision. We like talk. But, unfortunately, our record is spotty when it comes to implementation. I'm not sure we (myself included) totally get what it means to be a servant of God.

In Mark’s Gospel, Jesus teaches His disciples how God’s standards slip into the world. His tactic has a lot to teach us about leadership, especially in times of uncertainty.

“People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them” (Mark 10:13 TNIV). At first look, this seems strange. Why would the disciples have such a strong response? People were always crowding Jesus, asking to be blessed and healed. Why did it get under the disciples’ skin when some normal folks brought their kids for a blessing? Isn’t this a perfect photo-op? Isn't this the kind of thing preachers and politicians are supposed to do — shake hands and kiss babies?

Mark offers some background in the chapter before this scene when he tells a story about an argument that the disciples had on the road to Capernaum. Jesus overhears the guys grumbling with one another, and he asks what it’s about. They don’t want to tell him—they’re embarrassed that they’ve been arguing about who was the greatest among them. You see the disciple, like us see life and success as a zero-sum game.

Not to get all geek squad on you, but, in game theory, a zero-sum game is a situation in which a player's gain or loss is exactly balanced by the losses or gains of the other players. If the total gains of all players are added up, and the total losses are subtracted, they will always sum to zero. The disciples are stuck with the zero-sum assumption that becoming great means making someone else small. But when that's your reality, in the end you all end up with nothing.

Somewhere along the way, we've gotten used to thinking in terms of competition. But Jesus offers this tactic for abundant life: “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all” (Mark 9:35). If you really want to be great, Jesus said, don’t aspire to become the most successful member of a prestigious family. Jesus tells us and the disciples, if you really want abundant life- try to become least person in the most humble family. Essentially, make yourself the servant of all.

Mark said Jesus called a child to stand beside him as he was teaching this. “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me,” Jesus said; “and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me” (Mark 9:37). In the ancient household, children were somewhat worthless—too young and weak to work or be productive for the family, so they often did the lowliest servant work for their families. In God’s house, Jesus said, welcoming the lowest was the same as welcoming the Father.

So, “When Jesus saw [the disciples rebuking the children], he was indignant” (Mark 10:14). The disciples weren’t simply shooing away some pesky kids—they were publicly rejecting the instruction Jesus had recently given them. Resources were limited, the disciples thought, and Jesus’ time and energy should only be spent on the most promising candidates. There still competing for God's blessing like it's a zero-sum game.

As crazy as it might seem to young revolutionaries, Jesus said you don’t overthrow the system of this world by beating the rulers at their own game. “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them,” Jesus said at the conclusion of this exchange with the disciples. “Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all” (Mark 10:42-44).

Jesus offers Christians a different approach. We usher in a new way of thinking about success by subversively submitting to others. We expose the lie of this world’s system by rejecting the greatness that it aspires to and worships. We wholeheartedly proclaim the goodness of our Father and his idea of success when we delight in being his children. When we find ourselves utterly dependent on God and one another, the lowliest of servants in God’s great kingdom- then, and only then, we've reached "the top."

Somehow, Christians (and for that matter churches) have got to learn to do as much good as possible, AND not care about who gets the credit.

I was reminded of this just yesterday when I heard a story about a doctor named Jerry. Though he is a very successful oncologist (in high demand in his field) he spends one day a week away from his practice to help his church's local food pantry, and he is looking for other ways to serve. The world would tell him that he is very busy and important, but he knows better. He knows that to really have that abundant life, he's got to serve "the least of these."

When I wonder what it means for me to be a woman of no reputation, thoughts of people like Jerry come to mind. I have been blessed to know others like him. These humble servants remind me that there is no system of the world inside which we can’t walk and serve with Jesus.

Not for the weak stomached...

2010-01-11T22:46:00.004-06:00

I had a terrible stomach bug yesterday. I hate being sick in general, but I really really hate throwing up. It's just so scary to me to be just totally out of control like that. Thankfully, I've felt much better today. I was tired, and my abs and back hurt from all the heaving when my stomach decided it wanted a vacation from my body... but I mostly felt weak. I certainly didn't eat or drink anything yesterday. However all day I've been agonizing over what I should or shouldn't eat of drink, as right now I have a slight fear of food. I knew I needed to eat something, but couldn't seem to work up the courage to actually get around to eating much of anything. Finally I met with my mentor group, and my lovely mentor Vann told me that I really ought to try to eat something (I'm guessing now that I looked pale and pathetic).
But all this got me thinking about my relationship with Scripture. A few years ago I was got sick to death of reading the Bible. Perhaps I was reading the wrong thing, or not understanding. I can't really explain what happened to my heart, but when I looked at the words, I didn't feel hope, I felt...angry. That anger turned to bitterness, and that bitterness turned into spiritual sickness. One night at church I had a crying outburst that I now might equate to my dry heaving on the bathroom floor- there was no hope left in my bitter heart and yet I still felt grieved. It was after that episode that I started getting what I would call 'spiritual rest.' I stopped trying so hard to feel better and just tried to rest. I had lots of people praying for me, and lots of really Godly people surrounding me, and I just decided to stop trying so hard to feel better and let the sick feeling in my heart pass. As I got my strength back I started to feel 'hungry' again for the Word but I didn't know where to start, or I was afraid that when I went back I would just feel angry and bitter all over again. Thankfully I have people in my life like Vann who encouraged me to "eat a little something." The thing is, just like it was a virus, not food, that made me sick yesterday- it was my broken heart, not the Bible, that made me bitter before. I slowly got back to my own natural rhythm of study, which I think will always fluctuate a fair amount.
I hate being sick, physically or spiritually- it's just so scary. Tonight I find myself praying for those out there who find themselves spiritually dry heaving. May you finally get some rest and start feeling better soon.

John 14:6

2010-01-08T16:49:00.004-06:00

"I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the father except through me."

How many times have I asked the Lord to show me what to do, when to do it, how to do it? Lately I feel like my heart is screaming "Lord, please show me which way to go!"
"I am the way"
I am full of doubts about myself, and others, and God, and the good in the world... I often find myself wishing I could make up my mind, stop beleiving Satan's lies, and know what to hold on to.
"I am the truth"
I just want to be happy. I want to know what the desires of my heart are, I want to know how to live that abundant life in John 10:10.
"I am the life"

He's not the road map, He's the way. He isn't a lie detector, He's the truth. He doesn't just save from death, He's the life.

Oh.

Sometimes I'm so thickheaded.

Jesus and the 5 love languages...

2010-01-05T23:15:00.004-06:00

Going to a private Christian university introduced me to a variety of awkward topics of conversation. I have a feeling that the kids in the LSU cafeteria aren't talking about appropriate physical boundaries in dating relationships or how their prayer life is going. One of my personal favorites? “What’s your love language?”

At first, I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. I vaguely remembered a flowery purple book on the subject, sitting atop a dusty bookshelf in my dad's library but I didn’t know people my age actually read it, or that it was important enough to bring up in an introductory chat among acquaintances. I then got my first run-through of the love languages, something that would be repeated again and again in class discussions and in late-night girly talks in the dorms. I even had friends in more serious marriage-bound relationships who read the book as a couple, marking parts that they felt would enlighten their beloved. At first, I latched onto the theory. It’s interesting and romantic and it makes sense … right?

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the theory, it comes from Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages and proposes the idea that each of us gives and receives love in different ways. While the main application is intended for marriage, it can be seen across the spectrum of relationships, and there have even been subsequent editions of the book focused on singles and children. The five categories are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch. Typically, people will have one or two that are their primary love language. For example, when I was tested I scored highest in Physical Touch, closely followed by Quality Time. Anyone want to hold hands for an hour?

But as time goes by, I’ve begun to fear that love has been lost in translation. We may have even taken this idea of love languages, which is meant to inspire us to look at the needs of others, and turned it around to diagnose and defend selfish tendencies. Perhaps the languages could be seen as a starting point, a healthy place to begin developing love. But I’m not yet convinced that you are confined to this, or that by determining which one is your “favorite” you will somehow improve in the art of loving.

The love languages (when abused) give us room to be lazy. They allow us to write off the efforts of others, or to limit our own. “Well, nice try, but that’s not how I best receive love.” They tell you that love only translates when everyone is comfortable. I can't tell you how many girls I have who have convinced themselves that problems in their relationships are entirely chalked up to the fact that their boyfriend doesn't speak their love language. But love isn’t about comfort, is it? More often than not, it’s about sacrifice.

When Jesus spoke of love, whether for your neighbor, spouse, or enemy, He pictured a holistic love, one that doesn’t ask for anything in return. He taught, with His words and actions, that there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life. He did this physically, to the point of death. And yet, we have such difficulty with simply setting aside our wants, intentions, insecurities and agendas. Even marriage is supposed to be an imitation of the way Christ fully loves the Church, His “bride.” So why does our version of love seem so finicky and particular?

Consider 1 Corinthians 13 (MSG): “Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always 'me first,' Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.”

True fulfillment, outside of our own fickle “needs,” beyond the shortcomings of society’s depiction of “love,” is only found within the grace and compassion of Christ. Sometimes the people who you love won't fully appreciate you, sometimes you won't value them like you should. Life is messy. Just remember that “love is patient, love is kind.” Look to a God who loves unconditionally, and figure out how you can do the same with those around you. May we all learn to do what love requires.

What a difference a year can make...

2010-01-03T21:12:00.005-06:00

A year ago today, Hollygrove Church of Christ opened it's doors and had their 1st worship service. Today, brothers and sisters of all kinds- rich, poor, black, white, young, old, and everything in between- gathered from around the country to celebrate God's great work there. The church is a testimony to not only the faith of those involved in the planting of the Hollygrove church but also to the awesome power of our God. It's no secret that the Carrollton and Hollygrove churches are a big part of my life, and have greatly influenced the way I think about God.

In the past year at Hollygrove kids and teens in the most dangerous neighborhood in America were given an alternative to life on the streets through summer programs and after-school tutoring, over 350 neighborhood guests were welcomed to the church with a fish fry and block party, 12 people were baptized into Christ, and 22 families received assistance during the Christmas season. It is evident that the Lord is moving in New Orleans. Here are just a few of the many lessons to be learned from the Hollygrove Church:

- To meet great need you need great love. What I mean is, Charles and Angela (the Hollygrove ministers) are working with some of the poorest families in the city, in a very dangerous area where the lack of education and physical needs of the children and youth they interact with are overwhelming and apparent. For example, many of the children that attend church there don't receive proper nutrition or sufficient medical care, some don't have winter coats, others wear shoes that are too small and pants that are too large simply because their families struggle to make ends meet. Some people would come into a neighborhood like that and want to throw a lot of money at the problem. However, Charles and Angela know that what that neighborhood really needs is the love of Jesus. Don't hear me wrong- they absolutely need help, and Hollygrove certainly needs monetary support to continue to reach out to the community, but Charles and Angela do not fret over money. They are up close and personal with the God who fed 5,000 with just 5 loaves and 2 fish. They know, no matter what they've got, when they give it to God he is able to do immeasurably more than all they could ask or imagine. Its rare to find that kind of faith, and dedication to sharing God's love in the church today.

- At Hollygrove, everyone's invited: rich, poor, young, old, white, black, educated, uneducated, the single mother, the ex gang member... it doesn't matter. Everyone has a place there. When you look around most churches in America today you often see a terrible segregation. Churches are often segregated by race and are more and more starting to segregate by age as well. However, this morning at Hollygrove I think the service reflected what Heaven will be like. At some point we've got to be willing to make a place for people who aren't like us, maybe even people who make us a bit uncomfortable because they sing different songs from us, or preach in a different style, or whatever. The mission of both Carrollton and Hollygrove is simple: "We are a family of God's children serving our community." No matter how different we are, we are indeed a family, that is incredibly blessed by the love of our Father in heaven, that is seeking ways to share that love with those in New Orleans.

- The Lord blesses us with partnerships to accomplish big jobs- we can't do it on our own! Today I watched Kirk and Charles both compliment each other for teaching the other how to be a better minister. They are two totally different men, who have different ways of doing things, and often different opinions of how to accomplish a given task- but they both LOVE God. Further, I am reminded of the way Hollygrove and Carrollton are a team and even beyond that they rely on the prayer, love and support of sister churches like Park Plaza in Tulsa, Southern Hills in Abilene, White's Ferry in Monroe, and Northlake in Atlanta. Each of these congregations need each other, and it is no accident that God enabled them to work together to do good in New Orleans. In my own life I have been blessed to have many great partners (Matthew and Perry, are coming to mind) in ministry and it often not until later that I realize how much God was teaching me through their ministry, and how much more work could be done because of the other person.

What a great Sunday!

A little reflection ...

2009-12-29T00:26:00.006-06:00

I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions. I don't think it's a bad thing to look at your past year and look ahead to your future. However, as I said two years ago: "During the first few days of every year it seems that I read a magazine article, watch a television commercial or view a news program that starts off with the phrase, "New Year—New You." These pieces always suggest that the new year is the perfect time to start again, to lose all the weight we ever gained, to find the love of our life, to get a new hairdo, to get rid of the old and embrace the new, and to change into something better than what we were before.

Give me a break.

I have to confess, there is something about those words, "New Year—New You," that just doesn't sit right with me... Why is new better? The way I see it you are already wonderful, unique, a work of art, a one of a kind..."
So, this is the obligatory things I learned in 09 post. So here they are, hopefully, sort of plain and simple (although little I write ever is):

1. It's easy to forget in the midst of struggle, but God is a heavenly father who wants the best for his kids. Difficult times get our attention and it's my belief that God uses them to refine us, strengthen us and help us grow.

2. Love must be sincere. See Romans 12: 9-18 for more detail.

3. I have a tremendous amount of love in my life. It's up to me to use it. Satan will spend all kinds of energy trying to convince me that I am unimportant, uninteresting, undesirable, unworthy, unwanted, unattractive, unpopular, unlikable, and unwelcome. But, as a daughter of the king I've got to find away to remember all the people he's put in my life who love me so dearly, and more importantly His great redeeming love- that is far and wide and high and deep.

4. As I mentioned in a previous post, Learning to be a grown up is mostly about learning to love people.

5. Man looks at outward appearance, God cares about the heart. At some point I've got to stop measuring how good I am by how many compliments I get, how many people mention @msw04c in their tweets, how many fb friends I have, or pounds I lose and start looking to the only place Good can come from. Again, see my post about beauty products and my summer in New Orleans for more on the issue.

6. Most of the time, I'm not sure what I should be doing or what direction I should be heading. Every step I make I second guess myself a bit. However, in all my moments of self-doubt and questioning my prayer will forever be that of Moses in psalm 90:"May the Lord make us sure of his steadfast love, and may He bless the work of our hands. Yes, bless the work of our hands."

7. I hate it when people aren't direct in their relationships. If you are a boy and you like a girl, ask her on a date already. If someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, just say "I don't want to answer that" or "I don't want to gossip." If you did something wrong and you feel bad, just call them and apologize. Quit all this text messaging, game playing nonsense. Most people aren't very good at it to begin with, and it's just plain annoying. Be loving, be appropriate, but BE HONEST. I can't tell you how many friendships/relationships I've seen fall apart or become terribly dysfunctional because people can't just tell the truth.

8. God puts dreams in our hearts, so it's human nature to get frustrated when things don't happen according to plan. But, we only see in part. We don't know the whole story just yet and we have to be mindful of the bigger picture of what God might be doing. Thankfully, Romans 8:28 doesn't have conditions: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." This year, Hollygrove Church opened its doors to reach out to a neighborhood in darkness, Mid-City Ministries finally incorporated and became an official 501 c 3 nonprofit opening the doors for us to serve more children and adults than ever before, and around 50 Nepali Refugees have come to learn English and are beginning to understand the love of Jesus at Southern Hills. I could go on about the big, seemingly impossible things God does with people you wouldn't expect, but I'll leave it at a simple "thank you Lord for your faithfulness."

9. "Everything was created by him and for him. Before anything was created, he was already there. He holds everything together." Colossians1:16-17 aka I was created by Him and for Him. Before I was created, He was already there. He holds ME together. When I feel myself starting to fall apart it's usually because I've lost sight of that.

Hope you learned a lot in 2009!

Living and loving out loud

2009-12-27T15:15:00.000-06:00

In the car on our Christmas travels I read Cornel West's memoir, Brother West. I borrowed it from my wonderful thesis chair and professor, Dr. Beck, as I was dying to read it and figured that I could read at least 1 non thesis related book w/out feeling too guilty over the break. :-) It was an excellent read. I've read a few of West's more academic pursuits (Race Matters, Democracy Matter and Keeping Faith) however this book is more conversational in tone. West describes himself as "a Christian bluesman in the life of mind and a Christian jazzman in the world of ideas," and the book is both a creative and thoughtful reflection of his life thus far. Although West's personal life has had some tumultuous periods, it is clear that he is on a journey toward truth, and he knows the only way to live the abundant life described in John 10:10 is to love others as best he can. Here are a few of my favorite parts:

"For me and brother Walsh, following Jesus requires a radical child-like sense of faith and wonder, and a mature effort to pick up our cross and bear the cost....We vowed to love our crooked neighbors with our crooked hearts. We believe that if the kingdom of God is within us, then everywhere we go we should leave a little heaven behind."

"Justice is what love looks like in public, just as deep democracy is what justice looks like in practice. When you love people, you hate the fact that they're being treated unjustly."

"I believe that faith is that fiduciary dimension in the human condition where we admit we can't live on doubt. We can't survive on arguments. Logic won't do it. To get up in the morning and do the monumental tasks that face us, our labor is best fueled by love. That's the only way we can move forward..."

Merry and bright...

2009-12-26T19:39:00.003-06:00

We just returned home from my grandparents house for our annual Christmas family get together. It was a good trip, here are some of the highlights.
- My hilarious dad. He is constantly saying and doing funny things without trying very much. I don't know anyone else who compares dogs to "Winston Churchill w/out the cigar" or can get crazy excited about a remote control helicopter like he does.
- Great Granddad moment: My granddad was asleep in his chair while I was unpacking some of the holiday snacks we had brought to add to the Christmas knickknack table at my grandmothers house. I asked my mom in the next room where I should put the tin of Chocolate biscuits. My Granddaddy popped right awake and said "we have Chocolate cookies? Well nobody told me that," got right up and went to grab him a few and a glass of milk. It's funny how chocolate biscuits can make both 8 year old boys and 83 year old grandpas jump up and run to the kitchen.
- Most of my family doesn't like that I have chosen psychology as a career path. I've known that for a while, but on this trip I realized that I may always catch a little grief for it. That's ok though, I really like what I'm doing and that's all that really matters in the end. It's just funny how families have all kinds of expectations for the members- what they ought to do for a living, where they ought to go to church, when they ought to get married or have kids, where to live, how to spend money, even what they ought to cook for supper. I guess it's human nature to find the bad rather than the good. I just don't know why we have such a hard time just being proud of each other. I'm convicted that I need to make a more sincere effort at expressing my acceptance to my family. Maybe it would change things.
- This year was the year of noah's ark presents in my family. What I mean is that it seemed like there were two of every present (often for the same person). I got two perfumes, my granddad and grandmother both got 2 snuggies, granddad got 2 sets of handkerchiefs, I could go on. In our family it seems that without fail, "great minds think alike" when it comes to gift giving. haha
- I'm a real adult. This year my dad got an ipod and toy helicopter for Christmas. I got dress slacks and trouser socks. hahaha I guess I'm a real grown up now (or at least I need to try and look like one).
- Great Christmas Day Moment: Snow flurries started to fall on Christmas morning while me, my mom, aunt and grandmother were making breakfast. When my dad announced that it was snowing, I started singing "I'm dreaming of White Christmas". My aunt, mom and grandmother jumped right in and we didn't skip a beat until we got to the very end. It was a great musical family moment while scrambling eggs, kneading biscuits and frying country ham.

My "like family"

2009-12-17T23:46:00.002-06:00

You know those people in your life who aren't related to you, but when you try to tell other people who they are in relation to you, you generally say something to the effect of "they are like family to me." I call these people my "like family." I am blessed with a huge "like family" that fills my life with a lot of love. And at the risk of leaving someone out, tonight I'm especially thankful for:
- The Conwell family. Vann and Susan who truly treat me like a daughter and are constantly imparting wisdom on my confused heart, and Katie lea and Caroline who are such wonderful girls and always treat me with love and kindness.
- Matthew, Tommy and Ashley- the best montor group I could ever have. They are my brothers and sister, they have seen me cry and laugh and overthink everything. My words will never be enough to say how much I appreciate thier presence in my life.
- The Lees- I got to spend time tonight with Pebbles and Tom and their 3 girls, and they have always welcomed me into their home and family. Tonight was nothing spectacular, just some good family time, watching Christmas movies, picking up girls from dance practice, and baking pumkin bread for teacher presents, but it was wonderful.
-My lovely roommates. Robyn and Chelsea are amazing girls who are indeed the sisters God forgot to give me. Everyday that passes I find myself more thankful for them, especially when I see how so many of my other friends have had terrible roommate expereinces of people who are just hateful and mean or selfish. While our living situation hasn't been perfect, I can honestly say that at the end of the day there is nothing but love in my heart for them.
-My Nola family. The list here is a bit ridiculous but I have been planning my trip to New Orleans and I realized how much love I have for so many there. I can't wait to catch up with perry, stay the night at the Carpenters, see Uncle Kirk and Aunt Jenny among others.

Around this time of year I often let Satan tell me that I'm not as loved as some other people becuase I don't have an extended family who like really loves spending time with each other, and I don't have any friends to go see "back home" where my parents live in BR, and and I'm not dating anyone or getting kissed under the miseltoe on New Years Eve. But when I look at this list (and there's more I'm leaving out) I realize how silly how all that is.
"We loved you so much that we shared not only the Gospel with you, but our whole lives as well." 1 Thess 2:8

Advent among otehr things...

2009-12-13T23:55:00.004-06:00

Recently I decided to start reading the Catholic church's recommended readings for the Advent (I only wish I had decided to do so a week earlier, becuase I would have been all over the wreath and candle action... haha). This is the first year I've ever done anything like it, but I have to admit I think it will be my new tradition. You see, most of the time the Church focuses on our sin and what we've done wrong to seperate ourselves from God and what we ought to do to fix it. Easter is a time where we focus on sacrafice, the ones we ought to be making in our own lives and the ultimate sacrafice of Christ on the cross. There is plenty of time for soul searching and flaw finding and fixing all through the year. Advent seems to be the one time the church pauses to rejoice that He came, and that we hold to the hope that he is coming back someday! And the truth is, when I think about how God sent his son to be with us in the flesh, and that while he was here he showed us first hand how to live and love with great simplicity, and that someday he will return and save our broken hearts and imperfect lives from all the things that happen to us along the way-- when I think about all that, how can I do anything but praise him?

But what does worship look like at Christmas? When I look at the birth of Jesus I don't see all the things I'm ussually worried about at Christmas. The wisemen simply brought gifts to Jesus, the humble king who was born in a manger and didn't have much. They weren't worried about perfecting their holiday cookie recipe or tie the perfect bow around the present they agnozied over for months before. I'm sure you've all seen the video below from advent conspiracy. I posted it because it poetically captures what i'm trying to communicate here. When I watch it I think of my dear friends Ben and Aaron and thier roommates. You see when Ben and Aaron were deciding where to live their junior year they didn't have the same criteria most college students have around Abilene (close to campus, has a dishwasher, cheap rent, can fit atrampoline in the yard ect.). Instead these boys intentionally chose to live in an impverished neighborhhod with tons of kids who didn't have many postive male role models. Through the semester they have practiced being good neighbors and really reached out to the community, and inspired a large group of students to do so as well. Well Christmas is coming, and they couldn't let the kids in their neighborhood go without. So they started texting all thier friends, who texted all of their friends, and together a bunch of broke college kids made sure that every child in thier neighborhood had a really sweet Christmas present to open on Christmas morning. The effort was perhaps the most powerful worship ACU experienced all semester. May you have a very Happy Christmas, full of all the love God intended and as little of that other stuff as possible.

Thanksgiving thoughts...

2009-11-29T20:43:00.003-06:00

Just got back from my trip home for Thanksgiving. It was a fun trip and I had a lot of time to think (on my drive there and back). So here's what I've been thinking about today:

- For quite some time now I have been praying for clarity and peace about all kinds of things. I've asked for peace about the storm, and clarity about the future- about dating relationships, about friendships, about jobs, about my next step from Abilene. Today while I was driving it occured to me that I'm not sure I have ever prayed for trust. And, when I'm really honest with myself, that's the real problem- when it really counts, I don't trust God. So my new prayer is that I would learn to really trust God, and learn to believe in my spirit (even if this beleif is a daily choice) that God is good.
- I am somewhat unhappy and I'm not sure why. I don't know if it is my constant anxiety about the future after I graduate or winter time or what, but I am struggling with that sadness that makes everything a little dull. I don't like it, but at the moment, I'm a bit unsure on how to fix it.
-I am a blessed girl. I journaled on Monday night some of the things that I was thankful for. The list ended up being a little more private than I was expecting, so I'll spare you the details but I am blessed beyond measure and I'm glad that I had the chance to stop and really think about it, becuase you don't get to do that everyday.
-I had my first LSU tailgating experience and it was amazing. Just needed to share.
- So much of the time when I am making a moral choice or weighing a religious issue I look at everything that could possible give me wisdom on the issue- except the life of Jesus. I often talk to friends about things, look at the epistles, read books from the library, ask professors, download sermons ect. but I often forget to look at the example Jesus set for me, which is what I really ought to be looking at first. The church dows this with a lot of issues- rather than examining the Gospel's for Jesus' take on the matter we look at other churches, how our members think and feel, what Paul says about the matter ect. It's not that those other things aren't good, they are. It's just that if I am (or the church is) going to call myself a follower of Christ I better be taking a serious look at what he had to say about the things that I'm really struggling with.
- Last, I leave you with this Video from Carrollton's youth about what they are thankful for this year. Jenny did a great job with it, and those precious kids are a great example of what David meant when he said " my cup overflows..."

What if Jesus Meant All that Stuff?

2009-11-22T15:45:00.002-06:00

Esquire Magazine recently asked Shane Claiborne to address those who don't believe in God. Here's some of what he had to say:

To all my nonbelieving, sort-of-believing, and used-to-be-believing friends: I feel like I should begin with a confession. I am sorry that so often the biggest obstacle to God has been Christians. Christians who have had so much to say with our mouths and so little to show with our lives. I am sorry that so often we have forgotten the Christ of our Christianity.

Forgive us. Forgive us for the embarrassing things we have done in the name of God...

A recent study showed that the top three perceptions of Christians in the U. S. among young non-Christians are that Christians are 1) antigay, 2) judgmental, and 3) hypocritical. So what we have here is a bit of an image crisis, and much of that reputation is well deserved. That's the ugly stuff. And that's why I begin by saying that I'm sorry. Now for the good news.

I want to invite you to consider that maybe the televangelists and street preachers are wrong — and that God really is love. Maybe the fruits of the Spirit really are beautiful things like peace, patience, kindness, joy, love, goodness, and not the ugly things that have come to characterize religion...

The Bible that I read says that God did not send Jesus to condemn the world but to save it... it was because "God so loved the world." That is the God I know, and I long for others to know... For those of you who are on a sincere spiritual journey, I hope that you do not reject Christ because of Christians. We have always been a messed-up bunch, and somehow God has survived the embarrassing things we do in His name...

One of Jesus' most scandalous stories is the story of the Good Samaritan. As sentimental as we may have made it, the original story was about a man who gets beat up and left on the side of the road. A priest passes by. A Levite, the quintessential religious guy, also passes by on the other side (perhaps late for a meeting at church). And then comes the Samaritan... you can almost imagine a snicker in the Jewish crowd. Jews did not talk to Samaritans, or even walk through Samaria. But the Samaritan stops and takes care of the guy in the ditch and is lifted up as the hero of the story. I'm sure some of the listeners were ticked... but Jesus shows that true faith has to work itself out in a way that is Good News to the most bruised and broken person lying in the ditch...

In fact, the entire story of Jesus is about a God who did not just want to stay "out there" but who moves into the neighborhood, a neighborhood where folks said, "Nothing good could come." It is this Jesus who was accused of being a glutton and drunkard and rabble-rouser for hanging out with all of society's rejects, and who died on the imperial cross of Rome reserved for bandits and failed messiahs...

It is this Jesus who was born in a stank manger in the middle of a genocide. That is the God that we are just as likely to find in the streets as in the sanctuary, who can redeem revolutionaries and tax collectors, the oppressed and the oppressors... a God who is saving some of us from the ghettos of poverty, and some of us from the ghettos of wealth.

In closing, to those who have closed the door on religion — I was recently asked by a non-Christian friend if I thought he was going to hell. I said, "I hope not. It will be hard to enjoy heaven without you." If those of us who believe in God do not believe God's grace is big enough to save the whole world... well, we should at least pray that it is.

Your brother,

Shane

You can read the complete essay here.
I find myself convicted by these words, praying that God would teach me what it means to be a woman who is open to the possibilities of the Holy Spirit rather than one who is so quick to give up and condemn. Something to think about for sure.

Oh my Nola...

2009-11-15T22:57:00.004-06:00

Dear Friends,
As most of you already know I grew up at the Carrollton Avenue Church of Christ in New Orleans. It is an amazing church that truly embodies the church described in Acts 2:42-47. After the storm, the church had nothing. No money in the bank, no insurance, no pews, no song books, no equipment, nothing. The church saw the great need of the people of New Orleans, so instead of getting the building back in shape we used the facility to help support relief work.
The building is still not totally together for this reason, however the church remains as a beacon of hope in a city in such desperate need. The truly amazing about Carrollton is that out of their desperate situation they still managed to give faithfully to God's people and have planted a church in a neighborhood that was spiritually wasting away. This summer we hosted a 3 week drama and art camp for 45 children (the largest number we've ever had). The church works with the neighborhood schools to help them get the supplies they need and they just started an ESL class two days a week to serve the influx of non-english speaking Hispanics since the storm.
The Carrollton church taught me what it reall means to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and is perhaps the reason I have any faith at all. If you were to analyze Carrollton and look at all of the small parts, it certainly seems less than mediocre. We never start on time, the singing is never totally on key, the sermon is never the best one you've heard, and sometimes the planning is a little to be desired. But when you are there you leave different, because you met Jesus, and no one who ever meets Jesus walks away unchanged.
The church building at Carrollton has come a long way in the four years since the storm. We're back to a safe, functional place to fellowship, worship, and minister in most of the facility. But we have one last "gotta fix" item, and that's the windows in the auditorium. Numerous panes are broken or cracked, letting heated or cooled air out, and humidity, bugs and critters in. Most of the frames are rusted, many are frozen (some open, some closed). This is something that must be done professionally, and ordered to fit the existing structure. We are having a special offering on Sunday, December 13th, 2009 to raise the money needed to replace the windows. We're still receiving bids, but we estimate the total cost to be between $50,000 and $60,000.
We ask you to
*prayerfully consider helping
*SPREAD THE WORD to volunteers, churches, Carrollton members far and wide, and to those who love what the church is doing in the heart of New Orleans. We have a small list of contacts and we need help spreading this call to as many as possible
*check the website carrolltonavenuechurch.org for a small video that shows the condition of some of the windows
We have other areas that need some TLC as well, but they are things we can do as we have time, funds, or labor to complete. Thanks for taking the time to read this note and please consider passing this information on to others who might be in a position to help.

"These people were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised. God had planned something better..." Hebrews 11:39-40a

Just the good stuff

2009-10-25T21:23:00.003-06:00

Today I was moderately stressed for a couple of reasons and some things didn't turn out like a I thought they would, and yet it has been an immensely good day. Sometimes I am so wrapped up in the small (or sometimes large) stresses that I miss out on all the blessings God is sending my way. So right now I am thanking God for:
-The New Orleans Saints, aka best team in the NFL. They were down by 21 but came back and won by 12. The bless you boys saved the day again.
-My friend Brittany got baptized this afternoon. I am so excited about God's possiblities in her life. She is just starting on this amazing journey and I can't wait to see how she will transform.
-I got to see pictures of Carrollton's fall fest thanks to the lovely Jenny who is a true facebook guru. They looked like they were having such great fun, and more so there were all different kinds of people there- young, old, black, white, rich... well middle class, and poor. They are such a beautiful reflection of the Father's grace. I miss them so.
- I bought a book today called "How do dinosaurs say I love you?" and I can't wait to give it to the little boy I babysit, Wade. He will love it, and its SO funny.
- A deaf man knocked on my front door today and asked me if it was okay to pick our pecans that had fallen off the tree. I don't know sign language so we did a lot of writing. He was a lovely person and I wish I could have gotten to know him more. He was so peaceful and picked up pecans off the ground with such great care. I know that sounds silly, but he did. He reminded me of Jesus, and the way Jesus is our comfort, without having to try particularly hard or say anything brillant. He just is our peace. His life is our hope and his death is the very definition of agape, which casts out all fear. I was glad to meet a new friend and happy to supply him for pecans to make pie for thanksgiving.
- My lifegroup is constanlty surprising me and God continues to show me that he is moving even when I'm not expecting it.Sometimes God answers prayers that you already forgot you prayed, sometimes people bond over tragedy, and sometimes a good belly laugh is all we really need. I'm definitely thankful for those girls.
- We talked about psalm 23 at church today, and it is and will forever be one of my favorite passages. I love it becuase it reassures me that life with God means rest for the weary, peace for the scared, protection in danger, comfort in hard times, discipline and guidance, and that the Lord's great love will pursue me all the days of my life. What could be better than that?
The Lord is my shepherd;I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23 NLT

Making a way in the wasteland...

2009-10-18T17:12:00.009-05:00

Today in the college class at church we talked about one of my favorite passages in the Old Testament. In first Kings Elijah has this amazing showdown with the prophets of Baal and basically wails all over them. Unfortuanately, despite Elijah victory on Mt. Carmel, Jezebel still wanted to kill him, so he ran into the wilderness. The story after that is one of the more popular stories of the Old Testament where Elijah waits on the mountain for God to pass by. A great wind, and eathquake and consuming fires all come to the mountain, but God shows up in what is ussually reffered to as a "gentle whisper" or the sound of "sheer silence." I'm sure Elijah thought that God would do something radical just like he had done on Mt. Carmel, but instead the Lord tells Elijah to go find these three other guys, annoint them and let them take care of it. The point on of the guys teaching was making was that, like Elijah, we often expect God to act in our lives in the same ways he has in the past. He used the example of revisiting his elementary school to illustrate the point. When he was a kid the school seemed so big and amazing, then when he went back as a senior and he just didn't fit- the chairs were too little, the doorknobs lower, the water fountains just above his knees, ect. What used to be good for him, no longer fit. Thats's how it is with God too, what he's done in the past doesn't always fit. It was a great lesson, and the boys that prepared it did a great job. However, I must confess that when he asked us to remember our elementary schools- I once again was reminded of how the Hurricane has to always ruin everything. I immediately thought of driving by the school this summer- four years after the storm and seeing a campus that is still virtually untouched and in ruins.

This is my school cafeteria where I used to trade my oreos for pudding and my caprice sun for apple juice.
And that is my 2nd grade classroom where I did my first book report on the Oxcart Man and was the first to get all 100 math problems right in 2 minutes. To be honest, and I wish it wasn't this way, but I all I could think about when Brent was talking were these images. As Jason got up to close out the meeting, I found myself at a crossroads. For the past 4 years I have typically let moments like this cause me to shut down and make me feel like I don't belong. This of course in inherently untrue, however, the Devil is really good at making us feel alone. Today I had a choice, I could shut down or I could take the story from 1 kings to heart, and know that just because God isn't/hasn't shown up in the ways that I thought.think he would/should, doesn't mean that He isn't/hasnt been there. I know that was a terribly confusing sentance but what I mean is- I often find myself searching for God, but not the God that is- that GOd that I want Him to be. In case I was missing the point God had a funny way of driving the point home- Phil used Carrollton as one of his main sermon illustrations this morning. Phil explained how Carrollton had used what little they had to serve so many, and even after a devestating storm, becuase of their commitment to serve, their faith in God, and the love their Christian brothers and sisters showed them, where there was once one church there is now two. I am reminded of how far very little can go to provide so many when God is blessing it. So today I choose to remember Jean Gordon elementary school and all the fun I had there- from morning meeting song to painting Ms. Murray's windows in 3rd grade, to cheering on the Saints every Friday (and just knowing in my little 7 year old heart that they could hear us at the Superdome). But I also know that things never stay for long... "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19

Getting a grip on the good stuff...

2009-10-14T12:00:00.004-05:00

This morning I changed clothes 17 times before leaving the house. I wish I was exaggerating, but, shamefully, I am completely serious. Today is just a normal day, but the reason I am telling you all about it is because for whatever inexplicable reason I feel somehow consumed by the mighty pressure the world has put on my self-esteem, and I think I'm sick of it.

This summer, I went absolutely berserk in the personal hygiene aisle at Target. I bought teeth-whitening strips, expensive shampoo and conditioning treatments, self-tanner, special exfoliating body wash, night cream, day cream, afternoon cream (kidding) … you name it, I bought it. For whatever reason I was convinced that if I just had whiter teeth, tanner skin, smaller pores, and shinier hair then something would be monumentally different about my life. I was certain I would somehow feel more attractive or confident, pampered and refreshed. I even justified the ridiculous amount of money I was spending because I was also sure that Jesus would be okay with me being prettier... (I know what you're thinking)

So what transpired over the coming months was something everyone else in the world could’ve seen coming but that I, naturally, did not. Instead of all of those products making me feel beautiful and lovely, they made me more and more stressed out (yet, I admit, adequately moisturized). My brain said: "Am I doing enough? Did I apply this hair product correctly? Will my skin look good enough for my hair? Will everyone notice my smaller pores?" (In case you were wondering- They didn’t.)

Through it all, I was working with a church focused on inner city youth. I spent my days incorporating a non-profit, co directing a summer camp for 45 children, planning bible lessons, watching little-league games, and helping needy families meet hold it together through the summer months. Every day I was doing real Kingdom work, all the while preoccupied with moisturizer and sit-ups.

What a metaphor that is for our struggle with our self-esteem. We can be doing all this really great stuff, and yet we are most passionately concerned about how we look doing it. I do believe part of that is a societal thing; all the stress the world puts on women obviously pushes those concerns to the forefront of my mind. But as a daughter of the flesh-blind God, it’s my job to keep a level-head about all that nonsense. I wish I could tell you I did.

But to finish the metaphor, let me tell you how my summer panned out. What I remember now about my summer are the times when I was with the people who are the most precious to me. Sweating like crazy with my camp kids in Audobon park, Getting covered in powder sugar at cafe du monde with out of town visitors, getting soaked in the rain with my firend/mentor/co-director Perry shopping for supplies, and eating a huge plate of Charbroiled Oysters at Drago's with Myrna and Kelly. I have to tell you, those Oysters might have been the best half hour of my life. And there were, like, crushed bits of Parmesan cheese and breadcrumbs on the top... SO good. Anyway, I honestly can't remember what I looked like or wore to any of those events, and to be honest I don't remember being preoccupied with how I looked doing them. I’m not kidding. It is no small miracle that God somehow managed to create precious memories that don't involve any of that silly stuff, and I am so thankful that he did. He is a merciful God, who somehow still finds me worthy to love.

My track record makes no promises, but I'm really hoping to learn to somehow stop putting so much value on outward appearences and start focusing more on my heart. If you struggle like me, we are constantly trying to live up to some expectation; whether it’s looking "appropriately pretty" on your wedding day, wearing the "right shirt" to a party, or not saying the wrong thing in a group of "cool" people. But at the end of the day, what we are doing will always matter so much more than how we look doing it. Praise God for that. May I grow to a point where there is more of him and less of me.

The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.- 1 Sam 16:7

Song of Solomon 2:4- He has taken me to his banquet hall, and his banner over me was love....

2009-10-10T14:26:00.003-05:00

This morning has been one of those Saturdays where things move a little slower. And while I am wishing I would have gotten a little more schoolwork done this morning, I have to admit that I think that's how it's supposed to be. This morning I haven't been able to stop thinking about the way our God invites us all to join him for a great celebration in every moment. I am praying that I am able to allow myself to attend, and bring along others to join in on the party... Blessings this weekend.

From Matthew 22
Parable of the Great Feast
Jesus also told them other parables. He said, “The Kingdom of Heaven can be illustrated by the story of a king who prepared a great wedding feast for his son. When the banquet was ready, he sent his servants to notify those who were invited. But they all refused to come!
“So he sent other servants to tell them, ‘The feast has been prepared. The bulls and fattened cattle have been killed, and everything is ready. Come to the banquet!’ But the guests he had invited ignored them and went their own way, one to his farm, another to his business. Others seized his messengers and insulted them and killed them.

“The king was furious, and he sent out his army to destroy the murderers and burn their town. And he said to his servants, ‘The wedding feast is ready, and the guests I invited aren’t worthy of the honor. Now go out to the street corners and invite everyone you see.’ So the servants brought in everyone they could find, good and bad alike, and the banquet hall was filled with guests.

Growing Pains

2009-10-03T10:55:00.004-05:00

1 Corinthians 13 is easily one of the most famous chapters in the bible. However, I was recently talking about it with a dear friend ad realized something I never noticed about it before. Lately I have been thinking a lot about what it means for me to be a woman of God (and for some of my close male friends, what it means for them to be men of God). Until now I sort of thought that being a woman of God meant just being a good girl, you know not being mean, doing what everyone thinks I should, not getting involved with the wrong people, making good grades, ect. Recently however I have begun to realize that more and more I am confronted with situations where it is simply not enough for me to be a good girl. The world is a broken place, full of people who desperately need God's radical love, and just being a good girl is not going to cut it. So much of the time I am motivated by fear- the fear of making the wrong choice or doing the wrong thing, the fear of what others think of me, the fear that no matter what I do I will never really get it right. But there is no fear in God's love (1 John 4:18). I spend too much time trying to figure out what things God wants me to do, instead of trying to figure who God really is, and how His spirit changes me. The Message says that Love "Always trusts God, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, and keeps going to the end." These words stick with me because these are the things I struggle with the most- trusting God and not looking back especially. May I be a woman of God by doing what love requires.

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13 NLT

God's possiblities

2009-09-21T19:46:00.004-05:00

I really have to do some homework, but first I have got to get this off my chest:
- Mid-City Ministries is Officially a non profit! I spent a large portion of my summer working on the application and they got the letter today from the IRS that we were approved. I wish I could eplain the level of excitement I have. There are so many more doors that are open to us now for funding. People at church have been talking since i was a girl about incorporating and becoming a non profit, and now it's finally happened, and I really just can't tell you how happy that makes my heart. When I got the email from Perry, I litterally started to cry (embarassing I know). However, I needed to feel that today. As usual, lately I've been filled with self-doubt, about what I am going to do when I'm done here in May. While I understand that I miss home, sometimes I forget how much I love it there, and that I have a purpose there. So I am thanking God for that today. The picture on this post is from our camp this summer and it perhaps the essence of what Mid-City Ministries will hope to accomplish. Those boys look different, they come from different neighborhoods,and thier families look nothing alike- and yet they are brothers, and they have an undying love for each other (even if that means they sometimes wrestle...)
-This summer I studied the story of Moses for camp. This year's Summit (aka the conference formerly known as Lectureship) is also using that text as it's theme. Tonight I am in the library working on a paper and listening to Mike Cope's sermon (love technology) and he was talking about the story of Moses being drawn out of the water. This summer I was constantly reminded of how we are a rescued people. Every kid at camp served to illustrate that fact, that we are Pharoh's daughter sent to resuce Moses out of the water. Often what I fail to see is that I am also resuced. More than that, I have been rescued so I can journey.
-Lately I have had the blues in a big bad way. The thing is, nothing is particularly wrong, but for whatever reason I just have a case of melancholy that I just can't seem to shake. Thankfully, I am reminded of Ezekial, and the fact that glorifying God is not contingent on my happiness. But I am praying that sometime in the very near future I can cheer up a bit. :-)
- For a while it seemed that my life group might be a complete bust. I lost my co-leader, no one seemed to want to come.... and I was almost certain that it just wasn't going to happen. Much to my surprise God raised up a group of women all seeking God, and I have been amazed at how God is moving among the group. I was just certain that it wouldn't work out, but last night I had perhaps the most honest small group bible study of my life. I really can't wiat to see what will happen next.

Its hard to be free like you...

2009-09-05T16:22:00.004-05:00

I'm about to go to the park and I want to enjoy the time I spend there, so here are a few thoughts so my head can clear out on this lovely Saturday afternoon:

-This week was harder than I thought. Last week I felt really great and while I was a little sad on Saturday, it wasn't nearly as emotional as I was anticipating. Unfortunately, I feel like all that sadness I was trying to avoid always finds it's way out, and this week was no exception. I spent the whole week upset over things that never normally upset me. Even in the moments I was getting angry or hurt I was thinking "Stop all this Shannon!" But I just couldn't. You see, I am angry at God about the hurricane- and when I don't allow myself to feel that I just find myself being angry at other people. And I am sad about the storm, and when I don't let myself feel that I just become sad about everything else, even when it's not sad at all. I guess what I'm saying is true for us all, because sometimes its easier to redirect our feelings than really see them for what they are- I just wish it wasn't.

- I am doing my thesis on sexism so I have been thinking a lot lately about the way men and women treat each other. The misandry and misogyny in our world, and especially in the church is rampant and I find myself puzzled as to why it's so hard for us to treat each other with the respect that God intended. I'm not exactly sure at how to change things, but I am becoming painfully aware when I am being treated in a sexist manner by a boy and am feeling the need to repent of some of the ways I have treated some of the boys in my life. In Galatians it says "There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus." We get the Gentile thing- we are Gentiles and we believe that we are loved and redeemed by God. And we get the slave thing- we understand that God intended for slaves and freemen to be treated equally and we corrected the problem there. But we don't get the male/female thing. We don't know what it means to be the same in Christ. When did we fall into the trap of believing our behavior was ok, and how do we get out of it?

- This week I have learned more about my values than I could have ever thought I would learn in just a week. I know it sounds dramatic, but I have found myself becoming aware of values I never realized I had or being surprised and how much or little I actually valued the things I was known to value. Its funny how small things can teach us about big things when we aren't really expecting it.
-Lately I have been struck by how the choices in our life have consequences that sometimes we can't foresee. This is mostly because I have been working with seriously troubled patients at my practicum site and many of them, though committed and motivated to change, can not undo the consequences of what's already been done. I hate this for them. They often see these consequences as unfair circumstances of the universe, when in fact they are a direct result of their own behavior. I guess everyone has some way to cope right? Today, however, I find myself wondering if we're all in that same boat. We all make choices that have consequences, both good and bad. I don't have many regrets, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should have a few more. Perhaps the things I see as circumstantial in my life are really consequences of my own actions and I am in more control than I thought. Furthermore, if this is true, I'm not sure I know how to deal with that. I definitely have more thinking to do on this one...

Remembering...

2009-08-29T18:24:00.005-05:00

Today is a sad day. Thankfully, not everyday is like this. I find myself wishing I had something wise and meaningful to say- or at the very least something hopeful. Instead I am filled with memories that are anything but wise or hopeful. Today I am bitter and grieving. But something tells me that for today- that's just fine. So I'm resolving not to overthink anything today- and just be, even when that means a few tears here and there.

Waiting on the wind to change...

2009-08-16T21:31:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the way I always feel like I'm just waiting. I feel like I've been hesitating my whole life because I'm waiting for something big to happen. Sometimes I'm waiting on approval from others, or waiting for the right boy to come along and tell me what I want to hear. Other times I'm waiting on the future to get here faster, or for a defining moment- when you just know what you're supposed to do with your life. A lot of times I find myself waiting for God to show up and answer all those doubts. The thing is, life just isn't that way. It's not a series of poetic events where the smoke clears and suddenly things fall into focus. Furthermore, I have to believe that God is guiding my steps, and that there are things He wants me to learn. Each day is a gift, that I ussually waste waiting for something big. But I'm done. Maybe there are no right moments, right guys, right answers for all those doubts...maybe you just have to trust whats in your heart: The LORD is my shepherd, there is nothing I lack. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, ad I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~ Psalm 23

The least of these

2009-08-06T16:45:00.003-05:00

Today I had a perfect New Orleans morning. I met some out of town visitors at Cafe Du Monde for beignets and coffee, walked on the river, prayed at the Cathedral, shared a muff, and walked around the quarter a bit. I was walking with 2 teenage girls and one of their grandfathers. It was fun showing them around, however the grandfather had a lot of questions for me about New Orleans and why anyone would want to come back here with all the crime, and global warming means more hurricanes, and it just seems like every else is better than here. I tried, not so sucessfully I'm afraid, to communicate to him why people here keep coming back. I gave him all the reasons I could muster: it's home to us, there's crime everywhere not just here, people here really are hungry and thirsty for righteousness, there are natural disaster everywhere. I went on and on. It's just now that I'm writing this that I realize that somethings in life don't make any sense- there not supposed to. That grandpa is right- it makes perfect sense to leave all this behind and never look back. But here's the thing:

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25:37-40

Being a Christian isn't about doing what makes sense. I love New Orleans and want to come back here because I am convinceed that the world we live in can be a different place, and it will be someday because of people who love the Lord and who make hard choices, who let Jesus mess up thier plans, and who follow His commands when it doesn't make sense.

I guess you can sue for anything these days...

2009-08-03T21:45:00.002-05:00

Well if I can't find a job next may, here's plan b...
Alumna sues college