Friday, November 30, 2007

Something like hope

On Wednesday night I cried. In public. In church. I was so annoyed at myself. When ever you cry in church people always look at you and assume something terrible, like you're dealing wth some sort of awful sin, or that something devestating has recently happened to you (like your grandmother died or your dog got hit by a car or something). But that wasn't it at all. At church they asked us to remember our baptisms. To remember who dunked us in the water and who was there witnessing and what it felt like. This should be a happy memory, really it should. But when i started thinking about it I just lost it. It was a combination of a million different things but I felt a lump in my throat and I just kind of lost it. My father baptized me on a Sunday night in May a long time ago. That same night my friend Ashley was also baptized. Ashley came from a rough family life and lived in a bad neighborhood and dated the wrong guys. So wrong in fact that she died in a drive by shooting when we were in high school. I hadn't thought about her in a long time and my heart was sad remembering how much she wanted to be good but couldn't avoid the evil in our world. My heart is also sad for my dad who has since the hurricane kind of fallen away from God. While I can't explain this in detail, I am sad to say he isn't the same as he used to be, or maybe I'm not the same as I used to be, or maybe I just grew up and my dad isn't just my dad anymore-he's a real person that doesn't know everything and isn't perfect. But either way he isn't the dad I remember baptizing me that night. And when I think about the people at church that night cheering me on and praying for me, the people that really raised me up in the Lord, I am also a little sad. I just can't help it. I miss them so all in different ways. Some of them are no longer with us for one reason or another and most of them died unexpectedly or unjustly or simply before it was their time. Some of them I miss because they are far from me and miss their company and encouragement and I desperately miss being a part of that church. I am more hopeful when I am there. But in more ways than one that church is no more and once again I can not help but be sad, at least a little bit. I guess I'm just tired of this whole hurricane thing ruining memories that are supposed to be happy. But I suppose there is still hope. I remember coming up out of the water and I was just a kid, but I remember feeling releived. Like a a knot in my stomach had gotten untwisted a bit. I used to think it was becuase I know I was finally saved, but looking back that wasn't really it at all. I think it was something more like hope.

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