I had a terrible stomach bug yesterday. I hate being sick in general, but I really really hate throwing up. It's just so scary to me to be just totally out of control like that. Thankfully, I've felt much better today. I was tired, and my abs and back hurt from all the heaving when my stomach decided it wanted a vacation from my body... but I mostly felt weak. I certainly didn't eat or drink anything yesterday. However all day I've been agonizing over what I should or shouldn't eat of drink, as right now I have a slight fear of food. I knew I needed to eat something, but couldn't seem to work up the courage to actually get around to eating much of anything. Finally I met with my mentor group, and my lovely mentor Vann told me that I really ought to try to eat something (I'm guessing now that I looked pale and pathetic).
But all this got me thinking about my relationship with Scripture. A few years ago I was got sick to death of reading the Bible. Perhaps I was reading the wrong thing, or not understanding. I can't really explain what happened to my heart, but when I looked at the words, I didn't feel hope, I felt...angry. That anger turned to bitterness, and that bitterness turned into spiritual sickness. One night at church I had a crying outburst that I now might equate to my dry heaving on the bathroom floor- there was no hope left in my bitter heart and yet I still felt grieved. It was after that episode that I started getting what I would call 'spiritual rest.' I stopped trying so hard to feel better and just tried to rest. I had lots of people praying for me, and lots of really Godly people surrounding me, and I just decided to stop trying so hard to feel better and let the sick feeling in my heart pass. As I got my strength back I started to feel 'hungry' again for the Word but I didn't know where to start, or I was afraid that when I went back I would just feel angry and bitter all over again. Thankfully I have people in my life like Vann who encouraged me to "eat a little something." The thing is, just like it was a virus, not food, that made me sick yesterday- it was my broken heart, not the Bible, that made me bitter before. I slowly got back to my own natural rhythm of study, which I think will always fluctuate a fair amount.
I hate being sick, physically or spiritually- it's just so scary. Tonight I find myself praying for those out there who find themselves spiritually dry heaving. May you finally get some rest and start feeling better soon.