Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I keep starting posts and not having the time to come back and finish/polish them. That's right people, I actually put a little bit of thought into what I post... surprising isn't it? :-) I'm crazy busy and I feel like my head is spinning a bit.
However, I had a big revelation in my life this week. For almost 5 years I have been praying that my heart would be at peace. Since the storm, I have always thought that I might never be able to move on- that I would always hate what happened so much that my heart would continually be grieved. When giving my testimony at the Fall Retreat our campus ministry puts on I think I even said that if I could I would make the storm never happen becuase I simply couldn't understand what good could ever come out of such pain.
Last night driving home from church and praying in my car I realized, for the first time since the storm, I feel at peace. I still hate the hurricane. I still have a thousand questions in my heart. I still don't know but I can finally give thanks to God for good things that have come out of the storm without a bitter heart. I feel like I finally know what it means to have a loving relationship with God.
I always thought that there would be some distinct marker for me, that some precipitating event would finally give me peace. But, truthfully, it kind of snuck up on me. I think it might be partly due to the bible study I'm doing this semester, and partly due to the time I'm spending this semester as a therapist, and in part because I learned to redefine what peace means to me, and in part to my relationships to my mentors...
When I try to explain how I got here, the only answer that really makes any sense is this: In his great mercy, God gives me his Spirit to protect and to mend my broken heart. Over time he takes out the rocky parts and replaces them with fleshy ones. He soothes bitterness and anguish when I'm not paying attention. He sends me small reminders that all is never lost and that after everything, I'm ok-- I'm still staniding. Most of all, He sends his son to die so that I wouldn't have to be chained to anything (grief about the storm, comparing myself to others, being a people pleaser, worry about the future...).
"If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."John 8:36