Long winded and out of breath

My heart is full of hopes and doubts neither of which I ever seem to get figured out so here's whats happening with me in list format because I am doubtful that I could post a coherent blog. Here is my heart:
- My friend Fred passed away about a year ago. The past day or two I can't stop thinking about him and I'm not sure why. His story is one that leaves me breathless, because it was so unexpected and so not what I thought. Its just that I've never known anyone who fought so hard to be righteous and wanted it so bad, and yet evil took over and in the end he lost. I don't how that happened, and I don't know how it got that far, but I know that when I think about him, I can't help but wonder where God is when his people are dying... dying spiritually, physically and emotionally. Where is God when we lose our faith? Where is God when Satan is coming after us? Where is God when we are broken and can't get fixed? Where is God when we mourn the fallen? Perhaps more importantly, can he forgive us when we don't turn out right?
-I took a weekend class in Dallas that was excellent with Larry James about urban ministry. It gave me a lot to think about and pray about. It also reminded me of God's mandate that we care for the poor and the widow and the orphan and the alien. I find myself at a loss for how most Christians fight over obscure passages or boil down politics to gay marriage and abortion when the battle we ought to be fighting is for the poor. When I think about the God of the old testament and the life of Jesus, I know that I still hang on to my faith in large part because of the way they dignify those inflicted with poverty. I know that whatever I do, I want it to be a part of lessening the plight of the poor.
-On a lighter note, my mom was voted teacher of the year. She's been teaching for about 30 years and this is first nomination and I'm really proud of her. She has really poured herself into her new school and even though it has been the hardest two years of her life she has never let that get in the way of her ability to share the gift of education with the children in her class. She is strong willed and (most of the time) I love her for it. She really believe with all her heart that every child can learn, and she makes sure it happens.
- I love scrabble.
- Being tired is a funny feeling.
- I'm really really excited for something different.
- I am always amazed at how the Lord doesn't give up on me. So much of the time I am angry or sad, or confused or hurt, or just plain ignoring him. And yet he keeps me in his grasp always reminding me that he is Lord and I am not (as if I could forget...).
- Faith is a crazy thing. there are someday when i am certain that He is, and yet so many others when I can't help but not be so sure. I still find myself constantly confused by this paradoxical Christian existence that I choose to live in.
- I stay up way too late.
-I have some amazing friends.