Friday, September 12, 2008

If I could tell the the world just one thing it would be...♦

I have had a full couple of weeks.
- I went on a retreat with Southern Hills that was excellent and got me thinking about a lot of things. I also had my first lifegroup last week and I am genuinely excited about getting to know everyone and seeing how God will move among our group.
-I am learning how to give intelligence tests in my cognitive assessment class. The test I am learning right now is called the Woodcock- Johnson. Everyone please laugh like a 12 year old boy. I know I do. Every time I hear the name....
- One of those things I've been thinking about since the retreat is how far I've felt from God for so long. I'm beginning to realize that as much as I was wholeheartedly searching for God, I was searching for the God that I wanted. I was looking for what peace would feel like in my own terms and what I wanted to be certain in my own right. I once read a Marianne Williamson book that said "We have made up a God in our image. Because we are angry and judgmental, we have projected those characteristics onto Him. But God remains who He is and always will be: He is the energy, the thought of unconditional love. He cannot think with anger or judgment. He is mercy and compassion and total acceptance." For the first time maybe ever I am praying that God opens my eyes to the ways he is already working in my life and the lives of the people that I love. I am also insisting on being in honest in my prayers, and telling God what I'm not sure about. I don't know if thats the right way to go about it- just to tell him to his face that you're not certain of him, or that I'm mad at him- but it feels right. So for this week anyways, I am feeling hopeful.
-There was a comment made on the retreat about the promises of God, and it sort of dawned on me that I don't actually know what I think those are. I mean I know that God promised Abraham Issac and things like that, I'm just not sure I know what I think he's promised me. This seemed pretty important, so I've spent this week trying to find out what I think they are. Its been an interesting search and I'm still trying to refine it so I'll post more about it later.
- Lately I've been second guessing myself all the time. Someone will try and compliment me and I analyze every part of it and freak out for no reason. I don't what it is but sometimes I feel like there will always be this voice in the back of my head screaming "You will never be good enough!". I think its the combination of starting grad school (where I am daily humbled at how much I don't know...), starting to lead a life group (and feeling self conscious about that) and trying a couple of new things that I haven't been any good at. Whatever it is, its killing me a little bit and I wish I knew how to make it go away.
- Tonight I was doing homework and feeling a little sorry for myself when some old friends called and I went to dinner with them. It was fun and I was honored to hang out with them. Its funny how God puts people in my life at the exact time I need them. Thank God for that.

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