Thursday, September 4, 2008

Trouble in the waters...

My family is doing fine. It was a terrible waiting game, but all is well and I am so relieved. When things settle back down I will post again about how they are (once they have power and start school ect...). As relieved as I feel I have to admit I have not been as miserable as I was Sunday and Monday in a long time (about 3 years to be exact...). I was so afraid of what might happen, and angry about it and overwhelmed with all the uncertainty just out there hanging over my head. I talked just the other day about how creative God is in the way he brings us comfort. I was reminded of that this week and I was also reminded of how there is ONE body with MANY parts and all of them are important to God. There are some days (days like today) that I am certain that He IS. Days when I know that he is making me new again and taking away all that grief I can't seem to shake. And yet there are still days when I am so unsure. When it seems that I am chasing after something that was never really there. I frustrate myself with my inability to have a lifetime of good days. I was talking to someone I really respect about that heavy feeling I always have in my heart. She told me that the feeling is probably exhaustion- and I am tired. I am tired of wrestling with God and my faith. I am tired of trying to work out my salvation. I am tired of dealing with the sadness and I am tired of feeling guilty about feeling tired of it. But I know this path must be the right one- it is the one that is the most difficult and the right thing is almost never the easy thing. I just pray that my candidness about my struggle is not a stumbling block to you- if it is, don't read this blog. That isn't my intention ever- I admire my friends that have unshakable faith. I just know that my experience is different and I spent too long trying to act as if it weren't. I feel compelled to be honest about it- if you can't be honest then you can't be saved.

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