Saturday, September 5, 2009

Its hard to be free like you...

I'm about to go to the park and I want to enjoy the time I spend there, so here are a few thoughts so my head can clear out on this lovely Saturday afternoon:

-This week was harder than I thought. Last week I felt really great and while I was a little sad on Saturday, it wasn't nearly as emotional as I was anticipating. Unfortunately, I feel like all that sadness I was trying to avoid always finds it's way out, and this week was no exception. I spent the whole week upset over things that never normally upset me. Even in the moments I was getting angry or hurt I was thinking "Stop all this Shannon!" But I just couldn't. You see, I am angry at God about the hurricane- and when I don't allow myself to feel that I just find myself being angry at other people. And I am sad about the storm, and when I don't let myself feel that I just become sad about everything else, even when it's not sad at all. I guess what I'm saying is true for us all, because sometimes its easier to redirect our feelings than really see them for what they are- I just wish it wasn't.

- I am doing my thesis on sexism so I have been thinking a lot lately about the way men and women treat each other. The misandry and misogyny in our world, and especially in the church is rampant and I find myself puzzled as to why it's so hard for us to treat each other with the respect that God intended. I'm not exactly sure at how to change things, but I am becoming painfully aware when I am being treated in a sexist manner by a boy and am feeling the need to repent of some of the ways I have treated some of the boys in my life. In Galatians it says "There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus." We get the Gentile thing- we are Gentiles and we believe that we are loved and redeemed by God. And we get the slave thing- we understand that God intended for slaves and freemen to be treated equally and we corrected the problem there. But we don't get the male/female thing. We don't know what it means to be the same in Christ. When did we fall into the trap of believing our behavior was ok, and how do we get out of it?

- This week I have learned more about my values than I could have ever thought I would learn in just a week. I know it sounds dramatic, but I have found myself becoming aware of values I never realized I had or being surprised and how much or little I actually valued the things I was known to value. Its funny how small things can teach us about big things when we aren't really expecting it.
-Lately I have been struck by how the choices in our life have consequences that sometimes we can't foresee. This is mostly because I have been working with seriously troubled patients at my practicum site and many of them, though committed and motivated to change, can not undo the consequences of what's already been done. I hate this for them. They often see these consequences as unfair circumstances of the universe, when in fact they are a direct result of their own behavior. I guess everyone has some way to cope right? Today, however, I find myself wondering if we're all in that same boat. We all make choices that have consequences, both good and bad. I don't have many regrets, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should have a few more. Perhaps the things I see as circumstantial in my life are really consequences of my own actions and I am in more control than I thought. Furthermore, if this is true, I'm not sure I know how to deal with that. I definitely have more thinking to do on this one...

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