Lately I've been thinking about how much I need God and how little I like to admit that. I am a perfectionist. I love to think that I can have it all together. This often leads to me feeling like I can't do anything right because I inevitably can't have it all together. For example, in the past couple of weeks I have drifted from trying to have all of my church work like camp and mission trip plans together to feeling as if I were totally useless to the church. Both of these extremes are of course untrue, I won't ever have all the work I do for ministry together nor am I totally useless. As much as I don't like to admit it, I have been so convicted lately of how much I genuiely need God. Yesterday as I was driving in my car I was praying about the SoHills mission trip that was finishing up and about camp and about my job search and about some situations going on with young people in the church and I began to cry. I was realizing how willing I was to serve, but how much I needed God to give me wisdom, opportunity, the right words, strength, courage, and power. So my new prayer is that I start doing something that I've never done before: depended on God. If you're anything like me, you hate the phrase "depend on God." It's cliche, unspecific, and something that sounds good but is not very practical. But the thing is, I need to need God; I want to need Him. Perhaps my journey of learning to need others uncovered what I really needed to learn all along: I need God.
Luckily "He existed before anything else; In him, all things are held together..." (Col 1:17), and "all things" includes me.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
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