Monday, February 11, 2008

My head is giving me life or death, but I can't choose

Its been a long week and I haven't had time to blog. Or when I have had time, my mind has been cluttered with a million different things to say. I've missed writing it all sown, somehow all this nothing that I talk about seems to add up to something, or at least relieve my confusion a bit. But tonight I'm not sure I can make sense of anything. So here's my list of what's happening and whats not. I can't tell you how much I need to write about it all.
-A guy at school here committed suicide on Monday. In recent days I have known lots of people in cases like his but they never cease to pull at my heart. I hate that things can get that far, that people can feel that grieved and no one can get them out. Then I think about what it would have taken to stop it. How often do we overlook another person's pain? I know I do more often than I would like to admit, but we all want to play the "I'm fine" game, and I am worse at it than anyone else I know. Even my closest friends don't usually know what's on my heart, but I'm usually not sure how to tell them.
-Mardi gras was this week. I was sad i wasn't there, but I felt some joy instead of all the grief that usually fills my heart whenever New Orleans gets into my head. Don't get me wrong there was definitely that too, but I was also happy, which doesn't happen often so I am always thankful when it does.
- I am having trouble putting my grad school plans in God's hands. I realized today that graduation is exactly 3 months away, and I really have very little idea of where I will be. I know its normal and blah blah blah, but I'm getting nervous about it all. I miss New Orleans and would be so excited to be back there, but at the same time I can't imagine leaving all my Abilene friends.
-A lot of times, I feel like a fraud.
-I love Valentines day. I wish everyone didn't hate it so much. I guess I like it because everyone seems to be a little friendlier and more polite even if just for the day. I've never had a valentine or whatever, but I'm not sure it would be all that great. Or maybe I'm secretly wishing for a special phone call this year from you... but either way I'm not in that crowd of pissed off single girls who wear all black. I will be wearing red/pink and I will have a smile on my face....
-The more I think about Jesus’ life, and the way the Creator of the universe chose to live His life, the more I see how complicated we have allowed our own to become. I spend a most of my time on insignificant details instead of all the really good stuff. I would like to learn to pay attention more.
-Inevitably, I am a jerk when it comes to interrupting people. Sometimes I just get excited and other times I'm just a bad judge about when someone is done talking. I have got to quit it, I'm getting on my own nerves...
-I have a lot of really unrealistic expectations in my life...
-I love the Cosby show so much, its not even funny.
-Every day I waiver between thinking that I will never get married to being certain I will. I think I do this because I can't bear either one. I'm not sure that makes much sense but, I think you might get what I'm saying.
- My blanket is coming along, I might be done really soon....!
-Lamest church sign ever: Heavenly Forecast/ Jesus Reigns Forever. Seriously?
-The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I often see these in others, I wish I saw more of each of these in myself.

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