Backwards and Forwards

2010 was a full year.I graduated from my Master's program. I got the stomach flu. I spoke about my research at a national conference. I found a little peace. I owned up to my fear of being alone. I got a job as an instructor for first year students (where I teach them how to make it through thier first year). I redefined Lent. I left my amazing Abilene friends/mentors to move back to my beloved New Orleans. I met Drew Brees and Barack Obama. I gave thanks.

"Delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your ways to him and trust him, and he shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37: 4-5

This year I learned to understand this verse in a very different way. I used to think that it meant that if you loved God enough he would give you what you want. I mean, saying that outloud makes me a little embarassed, but something else I'm learning is that if you can't be honest you can't be saved. After this year of ups and downs, uncertainties, joys, and heartbreaks, I think I was wrong about that verse all along. It's not about giving me what I want. When I really started taking the time to really make an effort to know the Father he began to show me what my heart really looked like. For the most part, I spend all kind of time people pleasing and comparing myself to otehrs. So I'm an expert at knowing what I'm supposed to want, what everyone else thinks I should want, what my family wants, what my friends want. But actually knowing what the desires of my heart are is a different story. For the first time I'm starting to try and sort this out. What I'm finding is that deep down what I really want is a lot different than what I thought. But that's ok.

Hope 2011 is full of light and love.