Friday, October 17, 2008

One busy lady

It has been a little while since I've had the chance to blog. My life is crazy busy and hectic and I'm taking advantage of the fact that I'm not tired and my house is quiet so I can sort out all the many thoughts clouding my head...
-This secret had a comment next to it this week on Postsecret. It said "I hope you find the riches in your life, without the money." More than anything, I want that to be true for me.
-I am the busiest I have ever been. I vacillate between feeling overwhelmed and assured. I have lots of things to do and feel a constant pressure to be good at them and I'm not sure that I've ever felt exactly that way before. What I mean is I used to feel like I had to prove that I could do it, that I was capable. Now I know i'm capable, but I want to be better than that. It feels different. Maybe it isn't actually different, but it does feel that way.
-I am reading the shack (very slowly, in all my non existent free time). It is a wonderful book and if you are searching you really out to read it. It has challenged me in so many ways, and while I don't know what happens in the end just yet, it had been a reminder to me that our God knows our hearts- he knows all of the pain and doubt and bitterness and hope that I feel everyday- and still loves. I spend a great deal of my time wondering if thats always true, but I think it is, and I'm resolving to learn more of what it means to live in God's love than be overcome by my doubts.
- I have been thinking a lot about Jesus' words to the pharisees when they asked him what the greatest commandment was. He said to them "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" It is becoming abundantly clear to me that that learning to love all three (God, neighbor, and self) is essential. They can not be done independently from one another. Sometimes I feel guilty because I feel like I don't always know what it means to love God, but I think a big part of that is that I don't know how to love myself...
-Speaking of not loving myself, when I get really busy, I get really unsure of myself. I hate this about me. I also hate when I am self defeating... Yikes. But really though, Satan is constantly putting doubts in me, about the world, about God, about my friends, and about myself. I have really got to get over that, in a big bad way. When I get busy, I always start feeling like I suck as a friend/sister/daugheter/lifegroupleader/GA/student/personintheworld. The truth is, I am fine at all of those things, and when I am not fine at them, God blesses me with friends who are gracious, parents who understand, bosses who laugh things off and peers who help you through.
-I am also learning to deal with that sadness. So often I just fill my day with as many distractions as possible. Kind of like I did today. This is not a good solution, because, as fate would have it, my life is still as it was. And now that the house is quiet I am feeling a little sad kind of like I always do. But tonight, I am letting it be. I am not going to tell myself that I am ridiculous and that I need to get over it and snap out of it, nor am I going to wallow in it and make it worse than it really is. I am just going to be, and let that be alright. I am thanking God for the peace I have in that even if just for the moment.

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