Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Pass the Pigs

Sometimes it seems like the only thing I can think about is the Thing. Occasionally I am offered a brief respite from it consuming my thoughts, but what ever the distraction was is inevitably only temporary. I go through my days and nights finding things to occupy my time but am always swiftly jerked back to my reality: I lost almost all the things and people I love in that storm in one way or another- and I don't know how to get over it. There isn't a single day that's past when the storm hasn't been brought to my attention. Sometimes its overt, sometimes offensive, and sometimes much more subtle than that. I think it is the subtle that kills me the most. At least when its obvious I saw it coming, at least a little bit. Tonight I was talking about a game I haven't played since I was a little girl(it's called Pass the Pigs). Its perhaps the dumbest game in the whole world and we were talking about how fun it was and I said how no one has it anymore. My friend casually asked if my family still had the game. I answer "We used to have it." The conversation paused for a moment because everyone knew what I meant was "We used to have it before the storm." She was embarrassed for asking, and I was nauseous for the rest of the night. I would like to think that conversations like this won't always matter so much to me. I want to believe that I'm just sensitive after being asked if I was a "refugee" on Friday. We went on playing games and I tried my best to have a good time. I left their house and did some homework and created a few other distractions for myself but now I am out of distractions and there is a wave of sadness washing over me.

I'm afraid it will always be like this.

In my life group we talked about what it means to hope, and what hope we have, ect. I don't know how to put my hope in God when I feel like this. I hope he can forgive me.

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