Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The ugly truth
I haven't posted in quite some time. Partly because I was busy, but mostly because lately it seems as though I haven't got anything great to say. Its funny how things can be going so well, and yet Satan can still fill you with lies. Lately I have been letting others make me feel like I will never be good enough. And while, sometimes I feel that it is in part their responsibility- sometimes people say things with the intention of putting you down, there are other times when I know it is my own doing that I feel so crumby. It seems silly to feel so bad when you are spending time with people who love you. But this morning when I was teaching class and some boys wouldn't listen- I felt unimportant. And when I was spending time with girl friends and I realized that it will never matter how nice my clothes are or how much makeup I put on, they will always be prettier than me, and boys will always pay more attention to them- I felt really bad. And at church when I looked around the auditorium and realized that I may never feel really sure about anything- I felt like a disappointment to God. But the worst part is, I am embarrassed that I feel this way. Because in reality I know that those boys who wouldn't listen were just being silly boys. And the truth is that if a boy paid attention to me I probably wouldn't know what to do about it. Furthermore, I have to believe that God loves us even when we're unsure and I think he's proud of me for saying that even though I'm not always sure about Him and His Word, I am sure that I need Him- and sometimes, that's all I need to know. But here's the good news about all of this (from Psalm 73):
Then I realized that my heart was bitter,and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant— I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. And yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.